idontlikefruitsinmychocolate

stay away

2008-10-25T13:59:00.002+08:00

Would you consider this a vicious cycle?

It's my fault really. Has to be. Even if I'm depressed by it, hurt by it, there's no one that can be blamed but myself.

I make sudden plans, like on the day or night itself. Even though he's out with his friends somehow I still end up coming along, possibly ruining his fun. Making him take care of me when I'm drunk. Making him entertain me when he has a lot of things to do. Making him wait for me after work and wait for me to come down to have breakfast or wake up to have breakfast or meet up wherever it is that we had planned.

I guess that's the end of it la. He did say that once he gets fed-up or tired he won't call or contact or anything. I've already done enough damage.

Only thing I can do now is just to stay away.

final.

2008-10-05T22:20:00.002+08:00

I guess.

I like how I get brushed aside. For MahJong. You know. It's like all those things that we ever spoke before. About being special and you making it up to me. Like you know, those things actually mattered.

I like the way how I'm so easily forgotten. And the things you promise me too. Like poof. Out of sight and hence out of mind.

I like how you tell me you're selfish and vow to change and the next thing decide that I'm being all so pleasant and stuff. Of course, it's so easy to make it up to me. So easy to take advantage of my good nature and the fact that I forgive you so easily. Each and every time.

So I suppose you'll like the way how I'll tell you this. That it's over and there's no need to plan happily ever after. There won't be any. Not between you and me.

Single, there's no expectation from anyone. No need to make anyone happy or feel special or more loved. You ask why I don't seem to love you more. I sit here, deciding it's really pointless to try and make things work, to ask myself if it's worth it to cry. I guess I'm finally done. I don't want to have anything to do with you. Not anymore.

hiatus

2008-09-19T00:33:00.003+08:00

why does it feel as if everything's just going down the drain again? it's so tiring to try and be the one who wants to work things out. to want to make things better. to make it work. it's depressing when i'm met with non-commitment. it hurts. really. what am i doing wrong? am i being too demanding? am i asking too much?

i talk so much, have so much to say and yet i'm met with such short answers. distant and detached. and you asked me to give you one more chance. yet why do you treat me this way?

i am depressed. i am disturbed. i am upset. it doesn't matter anymore. i'm declaring a self-imposed hiatus from all things related to online social communication. or at least, i'll appear invisible.

i don't want to be alone. but what's the point of having someone who isn't there at all?

mission fail

2008-08-22T17:24:00.003+08:00

the new site is down, might be cause of the rain. hurhur. it falls heavy and my sentiments go with it. heavy that is. don't understand why this week's been particularly miserable. could be that my period's coming and hence, cue in volatile moodswings and black faces at the end of each work day. i'm sorry i haven't been able to spend much time with you. my fault. could have handled all these better.

it's not that i'm mentally unprepared to handle all these things. i could be trying to justify myself. i just find it utterly ridiculous and selfish that it's almost every (wo)man for him/herself mentality when we're all supposed to be working as a team. more annoyed than bitter. pushing manual labour onto me and asking me really stupid questions when they know i've got a rather pesky fly on my tail and a fair bit of things on my plate. sometimes the teasing goes a lil' too far to the point where it's getting annoying and downright irritating.

could possibly try looking at things from a different perspective. this whole aloof, detached shindig is working better than i thought. is it depressing to find myself yearning to go home just so that i can play with the macbook coupled with endless rounds of solitaire and binging on junk food whilst watching anime? not leaving trex out.

sometimes it's so damn hard to juggle work, family and the relationship. i ought to give more, should be giving more and making more of an effort to make things work. but i'm being pulled in two other directions. i could possibly just tell work to fuck off but family-wise. stuck. stranded. all these silent expectations and hopes and me just failing them time and time again. i argue i want to make a name for myself, to be the daughter that they can truly be proud of. who took an unconventional route, who couldn't give a fuck about what the rest of the extended family had to say and just did my own thing. but i know the things they say about us. about my siblings. about me. i know how they affect my parents. how it makes them feel as if our upbringing was a failure and that they, are failures.

it pains me. who could possibly understand this? trying to make light of things. i don't want answers. i don't need them. i don't need solutions. i just need... to be understood, to be supported and motivated and encouraged. why am i the only one who has to give a fuck when everyone else is just slamming us all down?

i'm not making sense.

i'm just streeeeessssssseeddddd outttt!!! and i want to like. play battlefield 2 and go on a killing rampage and mow people down with a tank and shite like that. so how?

the point

2008-07-23T11:46:00.002+08:00

i think you get more empathy from strangers than you would from the people you care for. course they only mean well and want the best for you and everything else. but when you already feel like shit, you can always count on them to stick a butter-knife in your back and kick you off a cliff.

thanks, i really needed that.

i rationalize though i don't remember being asked to be slapped back to reality. no wonder i feel so numb and detached. back to work. i've lost the whole point of being here.

why am i so tired?

2008-06-17T18:00:00.002+08:00

i'm so drained for some reason. i feel like i'm in this haze and everything is dragging me down. so much activity in the skies now, as if the army is ready to mobilize and lay waste some bombs. ben's in the office due to wisdom extraction complications. heading there after work. how the hell do you get to mt. elizabeth anyway?

i'm supposed to be cleaning up my room and running tonight. i can still make it in time for both and have an early night. i can't believe i spent 20bucks today. 10 on 4 slivers of underwear and another 10 on food. because i was just so hungry, i binged on junkfare from 7-11.

depressing.

i just want to sleep. i don't know why i'm so tired.

maybe one of the best sundays ever

2008-06-16T00:35:00.002+08:00

right after this, im going to crawl into bed, call the boy and give him smooches on the phone and then sleep.

the morning's run was alright. was really surprised to have woken up on time and get to the venue on time as well. course i got the brother to drive me down. of which i had to pay 15 bucks for petrol. but that's alright. about 11minutesish to complete my run. not that it's fantastic, but it's a start. might get a friend to run with me for the army run. 6km or 10km? i think we'll do 6km first. i'm still nervous about going beyond 5 because i've never trained for such a distance before.

i know. super weak. but we all have our little goals.

we had quite the adventure. i didn't want to go back so early so i took the bus all the way down to his place. showered and then we headed to macs for breakfast. had to run for the bus, which we missed and then quickly scooted over to the other stop since the bus was making a loop. ended up at the science center where we had mcgriddles, sausage mcmuffin with egg and hotcakes! strolled over to central for him to deposit cash and then back to his place again to finish up his prisonbreak and my vampire knights.

omg. that anime has got me HOOKED! kaname-sama and zero are like... droolishly hot. even for anime characters. damn it i'm turning into such a girl. but yes. i still can't understand the hype over prison break and michael scofield isn't really so hot. he is gay after all. okok. it's wentowrth miller who's gay but who cares.

then we napped. and napped. and just slept. whatever rest i needed over the week, caught it all up in the nap. snuggled up to my teddybear dinosaur and just concussed. headed home for dinner at ktm. brother let me drove and this time there were less outbursts and scoldings and i felt a lot more comfortable and confident. i still panic from time to time but it's getting less now. it's a lot easier when you know where you're heading and how to get there as opposed to being completely clueless.

even got to park in the carpark! home of course. my parents appear less... terrified with me being at the wheel and that's good. more private lessons with the brother (when i have cash) and soon enough i can drive on my own! and oh, gotta take leave on my birthday. one day where i refuse to work.

so now i'm off to bed and i'm gonna quit smoking because cigarettes are burning a hole in my wallet. love you loads baby and i'm really glad we had the talk and just let everything out.

feels like a married couple. and know what? if it was really true, i would really like to be married to you.

:)

sex in this city

2008-06-15T00:32:00.002+08:00

finally now i understood why girls all over fell in love with sex & the city. i'm not all into it, like being fanatically obsessed but i can understand the appeal. how you can relate to either one of the girls. i see a bit of my past self in miranda. too afraid to fall in love. too afraid to trust and using the shield of skepticism and cynicism to drive people away.

ironically enough, it's the whole pseudo-porcupine effect that had other people trying to plough their way through. they thought i was this unique interesting being that they had to unravel and figure out. well, judging by the number of bruised and broken hearts, i'd say they got what they deserved. :)

the boyfriend says that i am carrie bradshaw. i think almost everyone of us is like carrie in some ways. having met with the boys who turned pale and white at the mention of 'committment' and 'relationship'. can we say mister volllldemortttt? and then there are the oddbags we've dated who made us raise an eyebrow or two at their antics.

i know some people like samantha and those naive idealistic ones like charlotte. hmm a miranda-carrie mix. the idea of being a love columnist sounds intriguing enough. what with everyone jumping on the bandwagon of being a fashionista or a technophile and the likes. let's just go back to the roots.

so perhaps i'll start thinking about the elements of love, sex, relationships and everything else in this new-age society. things aren't the same as they were before and perhaps... it'd be interesting to compare how being in love and falling in love then is as different or similar as it is now.

or perhaps i'm just uttering gibberish... yeah that seems more like it.

uhm excuse me?

2008-06-14T01:05:00.002+08:00

something mentioned today led me to think about this.

i don't really consider myself being one of those controlling girlfriends. yeah i'm possessive and jealous, that's pretty much normal and human. but when you consider controlling, i don't think i quite hit the scale. i pretty much let him do whatever he wants. hell he can have all the fun he wants and not even think of dropping a message or anything and whilst i am the one pissed off etc, it's not as if i tell him you go back home right now or i break up with you.

that's just... psycho. plus he doesn't function that way - you're not a huge fan of being threatened. that much i know very well.

plus... i don't really restrict his freedom - he meets up with whoever he wants (of course, occasionally not telling me of the sudden change of plans and usually i'm the one who's still awake), talks to whoever he wants, goes wherever he wants etc. we can conclude that i neither control nor restrict his desire and choice to do whatever he wants.

ok. so the point is that i'm not controlling, i give space and freedom. one last thing i'd like to add is that i don't really make you feel guilty or kick up a huge fuss (the two most recent occasion is for completely different reasons) or tantrum and ruin/spoil your mood. and i still, very firmly believe, that i sms you more when i'm out with my friends than when you are with yours.

hah!

and don't give me the rational that i meet my friends more etc etc. because i realise you only start behaving in that manner when i'm out with my friends instead of being with you. also, i don't meet my friends that often/much.

hmm.

double standards

2008-06-13T15:27:00.002+08:00

i don't like double standards.

like it's perfectly fine for someone to do something and i'm even expected to understand and not be sore or annoyed by it. if i am, it's my fault and stuff like that and then the mighty trout of reasoning slaps me in the face and i have no right to feel and react that way.

but it's always different when it's the other person. i do something and i'm being guilt-tripped into feeling as if i shouldn't be doing it and i'm selfish in a sense that i never even considered the other person's feelings or if they wanted to be part of whatever nonsensical festivities.

so it's just really frustrating. i don't like it that i have to be the one who's understanding and more often than not, give in and be forced to swallow my feelings (no matter how rational or irrational they are) and pretend that everything is ok. that's just not fair.

now you know

2008-06-12T15:40:00.002+08:00

i think the current stiff neck is a result of intense headbanging (of sorts) at zouk last night/this morning. boyfriend waited 1/2hour to get into phuture but just as we reached the gates, the security guy told us that we had to go into zouk because they already reached their limit in phuture. if the idiots in front of us hadn't multiplied asexually like amoebas (from 4 guys it became 10, how can?), we may very well have been one of the last few to get in.

now, a younger, more naively temperamental version of me may have kicked up a big fuss; but know what? it doesn't matter. after all... we did come down for the mambo. he (boyfriend) was sweet to want to get a stamp so that he could accompany me in phuture if i got bored in mambo. i think it's more to see other girls. harumpf!

but yeah. fluttering eyelashes and big sincere smiles don't really work in getting what you want. but we talked to the front office guy, entertained him and asked him bout this and that and well... you learn and understand quite a fair bit of things that's going on in the nightlife business world. so we screwed phuture, grabbed a drink and then headed into zouk. horrible boyfriend tells me as we sat at the bus stop and drank our teh and milo pengs that he made me drink most of the concoctions that we shared - zombie & graveyard.

i should have known he's semi-immune to tequila shots. will keep that in mind in future. :)

but yes. mambo night was awesome! really good set of music and just dancing away. they didn't play that particular song, i'd have wanted to see his reaction but naw. you know, the random people at dbl o are so much more friendlier than those at zouk. ok maybe the girls. total fashion parade. i felt plain in my top and jeans but heck lah, i'm not there to compete with size zeros, gucci and comefuckme make-up.

i need to make more friends, for many reasons.

i'm kinda annoyed with someone because he keeps giving excuses bout time being all tight and busy for him when next thing i know, the name of his other band seems to pop up pretty often at gigs. i ought to do something about it but i'm gonna get the other guys to settle it. young much? mostly.

pretty tired, the mild allergic reaction to alcohol is bothering me a bit but i live. about 2 hours more till i clock off work. anlene orchard mile run this weekend too and i need more practise with the car. hopefully i can at least drive myself to the shape run. though looking at the way things are, seems just unlikely.

also, nearing broke and running on reserves. next week is gonna see me reallllllly quiet. sigh. and here i thought i was managing my finances. need to be tighter with my budget.

wheeeeeeeeees

2008-06-09T01:37:00.003+08:00

*kiss you*

thank you for being all excited-nervous bout my birthday present dear. i'm loving it, even when it's not here yet. :)

why you should book yin in advance

2008-06-08T20:35:00.003+08:00

so truth be told last night i went to wala and chilled with warren and gang. shirlyn and the unexpected crew were there. not really a huge fan of rock songs but when you keep piling yourself with beer, well... eventually everything turns out to be really fun. so after the set it's just a bit more drinking till the bar closes and whaddya know, an old friend appears and i find out rather interesting news.

although i don't think anyone cares for it much. but really. interesting to talk to some random guy (who has a really hot girlfriend) about the programming industry and software application and the iphone. as usual, gotta love the response when i tell people i paid not a single cent for mine. hohoho. the initial plan was to eat at the kopitiam but then everyone seem to have lost their appetite so we pretty much sobered up.

reached home bout 3ish in the morning and just concussed. today was a wedding all the way in the north of which i thought i was going to be driving but ended up not driving (and hence, wasted my time) and then home for more 30rock and persona. yums.

random meetups and hangouts are always interesting and fun. sometimes more fun because you find out random bits of gossip and rumour. but yes. i'll finish up the rest of my episodes and then sleep. looks like this week got packed before i even knew it. :) all you nice lovely people who have been dying to meet up and hangout, better book me before it's too late!

yin's next available timeslot now... is thursday. :) but i hear there's a dinner with a bunch of lovely girls so if ya don't hurry then... too late! it's been awhile since i got around to being a semi social butterfly. very healthy for the number of namecards i own. also, you never know when you might need that social capital.

weekend number 1 of the sloth program

2008-06-07T19:09:00.002+08:00

found another obsession besides hell's kitchen. say hello to 30rock! yes i know i'm just a tad bit slow but you see, i rarely ever watch tv. or to put it more blatant, i don't watch tv. not that i don't have the time, i kinda prefer being online as opposed to mooching on the couch. you'd think it was bad enough that i already spend so much time online at work that i'm suckered in at home but no. ok. well yes. it's a habit that i'll need to break. i tried, with the whole del mar experience but that was another depressing episode and hence, i'll just stick to watching random shows on online streaming sites.

:)

it kills time. really. and i don't have to bother bout advertisements and other random nonsense that would otherwise spoil the whole experience. contemplating videologging but i look bad enough in pictures that i should spare everyone else the agony of looking at my really ugly mug.

in 3 days it'll be 15 days left to my birthday. i know the boyfriend has given up on trying to figure out what i want and hence has resorted to just getting a one night stay at a nice hotel and mooching there. guys don't really have that much originality. can't blame them. i don't suppose i'll actually take a day off from work because when you think about it, there isn't much that i can do. most people are busy or they forget that they have plans and make secondary plans and yadayadayada.

but since it's wednesday, i think i can afford to do a little partying on my own and grab random people to go mambo with me or something. hopefully. getting semi-pissed drunk sounds good as well. but not always advisable since we all have to trudge into work the following day anyway. so we see how la.

i think i missed out on the macbook promotion that singnet was offering. ho well. missed opportunities, again, just like the shop that i usually go to thread my eyebrows is closed on the weekends. which i clearly remember them not being closed but hey, it's ok. let's take it all in stride. so with random snacks found in the cupboard and episode 4 of 30rock completely uploaded, i bid ya'all a happy exciting weekend.

i'm determined to turn into a disgusting sloth. occasional running. should i go for paintball tomorrow? and my god, i didn't realise how quickly my account balance has fallen back to a 1. this is depressing. gyargh.

amused.

2008-06-05T17:39:00.002+08:00

random moments in the office bring smiles and laughter.

meeting in the office tomorrow morning during lunch and L is taking in orders from subway. C asks D (who is our tech guru where conversation trackers are concerned) to create a VOC to help with the orders. next thing you know in a couple of minutes, D invites us all back into skype and shows us his finished product.

i am very amused.

sleeping beauty wakes up

2008-06-05T15:16:00.003+08:00

perhaps growing up isn't too bad.

if i had to stop right now, turn around and look back at my life; i realise there's a lot of things to be proud of and grateful for. of which, no one has any right to rob me of feeling that way towards these little bits of my life. it's like being woken up from deep slumber. a lot more motivated, a lot more pumped and energized. a good long talk over lunch quite often does that, i ought to have more of it.

i'm not leaving just yet. i'm going to fight and i'm sure as hell going to make my mark. if i don't know how, i'm gonna keep searching and hunting till i do.

farewell lil' girl

2008-06-05T01:28:00.003+08:00

there's a lot of things to think about, to consider. a lot of things to do, a lot of things to change. my attitude towards certain issues, my anger (or rather overall emotional) management. i guess i'm not doing enough, sacrificing enough on my part and as a result, everything's just crumbling down. to have the same thing repeat itself, words always cutting deep.

but today promises new beginnings i suppose. or a nonchalant attitude from that certain someone.

had supper but i didn't eat. it was interesting to see things from a different perspective. of the lives within that particular circle, the one i never quite got the hang of fitting in. or rather, i don't think i ever could, with this particular social ineptness.

you were on my mind the whole time.

but you may not believe. may not read this. may not even... care.

i know what i have to do. grow up. and i will. you know, i feel pretty bummed. it was a moment to relish youth and innocence (yeah... laugh all you want. i know i'm not anymore), be in that giddy heady feeling. now i gotta stop it all and be serious.

putting on a show

2008-06-04T23:00:00.002+08:00

a past comes back to haunt me.
we never truly are free.
we just believe we are.

why do i keep doing this?

why?

2008-06-04T22:04:00.003+08:00

i think, that i should stop airing my emotional woes, as occasionally entertaining they may be. heading out to fongseng to meet the babe and dude from m12. :D total randomness. but first, i gotta shower and get rid of the stink, make-up and grime of today.

i'm hungry but i have no appetite. none at all.

biiirthdaaayyyyyyyyy blues

2008-06-04T16:40:00.003+08:00

ok. maybe i want a htc touch for my birthday.

i should really just come up with the list right? since some people are totally clueless. however, plans have already been made (might conflict with some) and we'll just see how things go. the irony is that whilst some people may have come up with a supremely detailed birthday list, i get stumped after listing the first two things on my wishlist - macbook and a htc touch. reason being that perhaps, other than wanting world peace (hafuckingha), i've pretty much satisfied my share of material wants.

oh god. does that mean i'm growing up, or rather just growing old?

t minus 21 days to my birthday!

we're in a strange part of town

2008-06-04T10:47:00.003+08:00

crikey.

you don't know how dangerous multiply can be sometimes. next thing you know, your family members know things about you that they shouldn't. i think i'll use it more to put up reviews and photos than anything else. there's still a sorta secrecy blogging here.

life's been pretty dead as of late. my weekends got screwed over because of misunderstandings and indecisiveness. a lot of sleep lost, a lot of undue and unnecessary internal frustration and exasperation. moral of the story? just don't give a fcuk and let whoever it is just do whatever the hell they want. it really spares you the agony and all that time that would have otherwise been spent wasted lamenting over it, can be put to good use.

like cleaning up my very messy room. which reminds me that i ought to scoot home after work and just sort out the mess that's on my desk.

speaking of work, since the maintainence crew came by and cleared the air-conditioning units of dirt and stuff; the place has been freezing cold la. it sucks to be directly underneath this particular unit. with the swing it blows cold air into my already freezing cubicle and being bundled up like a jawa in the desert (starwars), is not fun. things have been just a tad bit slow on my end and making me feel as if my productivity has just been hit by an all time low.

although i guess the upside is that i'm learning a lot about online social media networks, web 2.0 and all the fancy shmancy stuff which is pretty much valuable to what i do. the sudden information overload kinda overwhelms you initially. but now thanks to the friends i've made on plurk, mister unique-frequency (most importantly) and wiki (oh that i love thee, just a lil' bit more than the boyfriend), i've been given a host of new and interesting things to read, understan and explore! there is life after facebook! i kid.

come tomorrow, it'll be 20 days till i turn 23. boyfriend's mildly panicking since i already gave him his birthday present (and his birthday isn't till july) - another guitar hero console for the wii! oh yeah and speaking of guitar hero, we played it till super late last night. which resulted in me getting in the office real late and hearing reptilia in my head from the moment i wake up right till... now.

please don't hold me back
if we're going tooooo fasttttttt
we're in a strange
part
of
town

i had a weird dream that involved me spending almost a hundred aussie dollars buying my favourite chocolates (which can only be found in zurich, ironically) and then struggling to get home to singapore by foot.

mysterious girl

2008-05-26T13:29:00.003+08:00

acidhumour.multiply.com

easier for the pictures and categories. ENJOY! you'll need to sign up to read my blog and check out the pictures. :D

damn but this song makes me wanna mambo sooooo baddddd!

chopsticks are lots of fun

2008-05-23T10:00:00.003+08:00

i survived another week. mostly i think it's because of the long weekend and the tours. else i would have been utterly zombified. it's friday!!! not that it spells partying since i am extremely broke and the accountant came in yesterday whilst i was out and hence i couldn't claim the crazy amount of expenses i raked up over the month.

sob. KT says money will come in on saturday. if it doesn't, i can chase him for it.

financial breakdown
citibank - 100
singtel - 50
parents - 300
transport - 30

blinging up the phone, software-wise. with facebook down, i can't get my work done. bloodyhell really. of all times to do a site maintainence. don't they know that it's mostly us singaporeans who're busy on facebook? the wonders of social media. i shall go and check out what's nice to catch in the theaters. shopping (online or not) will have to wait till i'm in the green. boyfriend says brekkie at macs (mcgriddles!) tomorrow morning. that is, if we can wake up in time.

more often than not, he wakes up earlier than i do and is my alarm clock. boo.

neverending pretense

2008-05-21T15:42:00.001+08:00

i miss the boys and jamming and singing our own songs. it's amazing to see how much we've grown and how far we've gone since being so indecisive, young and naive and everything else. i think the pair of you really saw me grow up from my runty jjc days to now.

oh how time has passed and how things have changed.

you know i'll never forget you.

soundtrack of my life

2008-05-21T14:29:00.003+08:00

there are certain songs i stay away from because they just bring such horribly bad and depressing memories. but try as i might, no matter how depressed they get, i can never write death cab for cutie off my list. they pulled me through miserable and momentous times. sia, and the funeral for a friend version of colorblind. in your darkest hour they can make you weep but in bright sunny afternoons, they kinda keep you going.

sense field - save yourself
depressing, for so many reasons. for a boy who broke my heart one too many a time, who paved the way to so much misery and destruction. for another who stole my confidence from me and made me feel so confused and disappointed with myself. the words themselves hold a different painful meaning.

coz my self-esteem
it's been low
go ahead and count it's been lower than low
i know the feeling
oh it stealing life out from underneath

had a good soupy lunch with S and we just talked and bitched about work and life. it's saddening that the girl friends you thought you could rely on, just disappear or give you a thousand and one excuses. i'm always here for you when you need me, 8 numbers away. but i suppose, as always, it's because i'm far from being a pleasurably scintillating company. i could work on my social/people skills. they corrode day by day and i've yet to drop the n&d guy a mail for being so nice last week.

Turn out the light
Just say goodnight to yourself
May I remind you
When you find you
Are all alone’s when you
You’ve got to be strong
That’s when they call you in the night
He’s got your picture in his mind
He’s got your number on a paper
At his disposal anytime

Is it really true
Could you save yourself
For someone who could love you for you
So many times we just give it away
To someone who
Someone who

You met in a bar
The back of a car
And for a moment
You felt important
But not in your heart
Cuz my self esteem
It’s been low
Go ahead and count,
It’s been lower than low
I know the feeling
Of it stealing life out from under me

Cuz I want to learn
Can you save yourself
For someone who
Could love you for you
So many times we just give it away
To someone who couldn’t even remember your name
Did you save yourself
For someone who loves you for you
And loves me for me
Or give it away
To someone who
Someone who
Can cherish your name

Cuz I want to learn
Did you save yourself
For someone who
Loves you for you
And loves me for me
Give it away
To someone who
Someone who
Cherish your name

Cherish your name

sometimes, remembering hurts. when i stop to think and reflect, i haven't had the happiest of times as i grew up. not age-wise, but emotionally and mentally and everything else. true that life's experiences mould you to be who you are today. whether cold and callous or bubbly and vivacious. yet sometimes it's all just a mask, a facade. we live in this life of a pale pretense, often pretending to be something we're not just so that we fit in or that we're able to taste that ever-elusive notion of happiness. that delusion or illusion of happiness is sometimes what keeps us going, living and breathing each day.

i've ran away from the reality of life and my own problems. there are some, i suppose, out there who suffer the same things as i do and perhaps have come out different because they handled it better. i wish i could meet them, be given some advice or a direction as to how to go about managing this.

i can't rely on anyone else anymore. there's only me in my world. at the end of it all, there will be only me.

hello to high and dry

chinatown is not the place to go

2008-05-21T12:44:00.002+08:00

yesterday i learnt a couple of things.

1. chinatown does not stock clothes like those found in f21
2. their clothes are tackier and a lot more pricier.

like seriously 49bucks for something so... shit. who the hell would wear such things? what happened to decent bargain clothes? i'm beginning to think the only place that has it, is this fashion. don't underestimate what they bring in because sometimes you get really rare, interesting, unique and non-tacky pieces.

suffice to say, was pretty disappointed with a lot of things last night. so much that i reached home 15 minutes to 9, watched a LOT of tv and then just promptly went to bed. might do the same thing tonight. no 'joyriding'. may have dropped by bugis but i made plans to head home with someone. also, i need a moisturizing cream for use in the office because the cold dries my skin. off to lunch (bout time too) since the queen bitch (whom i still love plenty) plans on bringing me to a new peck seah. woulda gone to bugis but immy's out with his brother and hence just the two of us ain't that fun.

ciao.

so this is how it all goes

2008-05-20T16:25:00.002+08:00

heels were not meant for climbing hills. which was what i did in order to get out of the school for a fag and then up and down again for the presentation and then back to work. quick bite at burger king (eaten in record time!) before rushing back to the office. there's just so many many things to do and keep track off.

the weekend was awesome. somewhat sleeping in and travelling to places - meidi-ya and yes, i have never really been there before till last night. catching prince caspian and eating to our hearts content. i contemplated driving to work but i'm not fond nor familiar of the roads and there really won't be anyone to sit beside me and guide me through.

hoping i can 'joyride' tonight to be better familiarized with the car. also, i'm not going to wear jeans to such silly presentations anymore. so hot! the weather seriously kills. dresses or something really thin and airy please. planning to hop over to chinatown (since someone said everything in f21 can be bought there and cheaper too) for some dress-hunting. see if there's anything nice that catches my fancy. else, i'll part with 40 bucks for that flirty dress at hula&co.

i've been meaning to talk about this with you. i never really had the chance or usually when it happens, it just stuns me and i keep quiet because i don't really know how to respond to it. sometimes you say things that're quite hurtful and i don't suppose you realize that. i know i should just be upfront about it and tell you that i'm hurt or disappointed with what you say or the things you do. but sometimes, it really just catches me unaware. maybe i'm too sensitive to what you have to say and stuff.

most recently, i do make the effort to try and appear more girly and stuff like that and yes occasionally you like it but sometimes it just appears as if it's really for nothing. i think i get more of a reaction from passerbys (even if they're pervy old uncles) than i would from you. or for the most part, it's just the same kind of reaction.

maybe it's a guy thing. if it is, you're perhaps the first and only guy i know who actually says certain things that allude to certain things. it's not so much that i'm secure that it doesn't bother me... more like too used to it. haha... maybe if it really just happens i'll just laugh and smile and say "okae." and that's the end of it.

aiyah i dunno. i think that perhaps i expect a lil' too much or a lil' less. not that i don't love you or don't like spending time with you. i do. just that sometimes i think you treat me too much like a lil' kid or that you don't really take my feelings into consideration when you say some things.

GAH. ok enough about this. i sian already.

prince caspian; capsized

2008-05-19T21:37:00.003+08:00

and so this afternoon, thanks to nuffnang, we caught a preview to the narnian sequel: prince caspian.

it was good and bad all at the same time. first off, draggy. understood they were following pretty closely to the book but there were some bits that could have been sped up just that teensy bit. senseless boring dialogue (i know i know they were necessary but still) and scenes that just made you go eh? wtf?

now instead of edmund being the prat, peter took the cake. male ego and pride getting in the way of logical rationalizing. is it truly for narnia or is it to assuage that swelling ego of yours? either way, the plan failed and it took edmund to break the ice (oh a pun!) and shake you from making what could have been your gravest mistake. at least lucy wasn't as irritating either and the boyfriend felt that they could have gotten someone else to play susan. i thought she was ok, not as if they could change talents at the very last minute and cite plastic surgery or accelerated puberty.

everything stuck t the book plot-wise. prince caspian had a rather strong and weird accent which strikes me as italian. but i doubt he is since his actual name sounds otherwise. i favoured edmund throughout the whole show. that boy really grew up.

t'was quite hilarious in some bits. really random punchlines and of course the infamous 'lucy at the other end of the bridge and wielding only a small dagger with aslan by her side'. then there's the lion himself and the tree-saving ending that was a bit too much like lord of the rings.

thank god i didn't pay a cent to catch it in the theaters. the kids in the cinema were surprisingly well-behaved, much like when we caught horton hears a who. other than that, personally, nothing fantastic.

catch it during the weekday. or better yet, wait for it to come out on dvd or something and rent it. because the one thing memorable at the end of the whole show was... that they had a pretty neat soundtrack and that our butts ached from sitting way too long.

and it was only 2 and 1/2 hours too. yikes.

it's been a pretty long day

2008-05-19T00:23:00.002+08:00

playing burnout is less stressful than driving with my brother to my left and my parents in the backseat. that's three lives to look after. may 16th was a pretty incredible day. my practical in the morning with a really nice tester and a pass at the end of it all. heading to night & day after for work. 4 presentations, numerous/copious amounts of alcohol after and then supper/dinner with the big boss at mister bean where the boyfriend and he talked about entrepreneurship (sp?) to begin at a young age and numerous books that filtered through my consciousness because i was too busy devouring my chicken chop.

saturday evening was a booboo but all is well and better now. just killed a roach. supposed to send the parents down to a wedding but there was none so we had a super late lunch at jurong west st 41 and then to vivo i went to get new tshirts, realize how fat i am now (damn you periods), meet the boyfriend, head back for him to get the car and then to newton for a dinner that would have otherwise killed us.

27bucks had never tasted so good and made me feel so happy for a belly the size of the moon. then to dempsey's for ice cream and a slow cruise home.

next time i'll be the one dropping him home. hoho. also i hate multi-storey carparks with steep inclines and the fact that the hondas i've been driving in are far too different and alien from one another. i miss my instructor's car. it was so familiar. hell i miss the crazy old man already.

tomorrow! free tickets to prince caspian and a day in normal and completely slackworthy clothes. thanks nuffnang. :) also, the brother says we're gonna 'joyride' in the morning. this means, i'm going to spend time familiarizing with the civic and cruising bout the neighbourhood. with its cranky bits and all.

did you know, that i never knew there was a gear 5 and i kancheonged when he told me to change to gear 5 on the highway. like. !!! i never learnt this when i was still learning! if that made sense.

jerks

2008-05-18T12:10:00.002+08:00

what the hell, i paid 30 bucks for petrol and all i did was drive from home to the office. i didn't even get to drive back or drive around?! grr. making use of my money. thanks to all the lessons i usually barely have enough to survive till the next pay.

grr. such a jerk. why the hell am i surrounded by so many jerks!

really pisses me off.

kthxcubai

2008-05-17T21:36:00.000+08:00

i hope you know that you're a jerk.

i wanna watch narnia

2008-05-15T09:59:00.003+08:00

and so... the sequel to the lion, the witch and the wardrobe is hitting the screens. quite honest, i never really finished watching the first. we were en route to oklahoma and i swapped channels between the sound of music and narnia. let's just say that opposed to valium, they make pretty good lullabies sending you off to dreamland.

the one thing that gets to me is how almost all the kids are almost useless save for maybe the eldest brother and the sister with the bow. the other two are just... calafare? like, prove to me that they're worth something and the great big lion didn't bestow upon them souvenirs of their time in narnia. epic movie, not that it was brilliantly epic but rather wasted an hour or so of my life, pretty much summed up the whole show, in a more brain-damaging manner.

also, couldn't they have prettier children? okok i'm horrible. but really... british child actors as of late (barring radcliffe, watson and grint although they're no longer child actors...) aren't that easy on the eyes. alas the woes of puberty.

i loaned my book to someone else, even the written text seemed a lot more interesting than the movie. i'm hoping caspian will shake off the skeptic veil over my eyes. or at least the directing and the acting. the trailer looks pretty promising. so please dear nuffnang, help me enjoy the simpler aspects of fantasy instead of dissecting it into a teeny tiny million pieces and ruining the magical surrealism it would have otherwise offered oh-so-many others!

:D:D:D:D:D

nutshells come in small, medium and large

2008-05-13T14:24:00.002+08:00

things have simmered down a bit from last week. no more overtiming and waiting for people (almost) all alone in the office. all that's left is gearing for the 'party' on friday. but before that! the dreaded moment of doom - my driving practical.

no matter how much i try to psyche myself that it really is nothing, i can't live with another notch of failure on my bedpost. there's just a fair number of things at stake. pride is one of them. damn you 7 deadly sins.

i'm going to have to part with about 160dollars in cash (of which i'll only get back 100 since i owe T 20 and KT is paying my share of C's present) for a gift for the boss. uhm, what exactly do you buy for the man whose wife just gave birth to their second son? i'm clueless when it comes to such things. for all my girlyness (which isn't much), i'm tasked with such a responsibility. definitely no prams. maybe not clothes. a plushie?

too broke for any plans of a holiday getaway. so much for the government giving me money. damn but i need to be a lil' inebriated. anything to get past the week and gear me up for the weekend. he says we could go to the zoo. i want the bird park and wildwildwet too! time flies when there's so much work to be done.

i'll take pictures today. my hair doesn't look like shit anymore. it's decent, for a change. if i can, i'll squeeze in a run too. and damn, i have so much laundry to settle. if only there was a magic wand that settled all my laundry for me. grar.

spoonfed and coddled

2008-05-12T14:33:00.002+08:00

i swear, sometimes these people expect you to spoonfeed them. so you deleted the email. couldn't you do something like check your trash and undelete it? sheesh. what am i? your mother? i bet even your mother doesn't coddle you to such an extent!

i'm learning how to use vlookup in excel. still far from being my best friend but i'm trying my best. i've even got this excel timesaving techniques open right in front of me but it's not really helping me any. i'll need the excel for dummies. where it starts from the foundations right through the hardcore professional stuff. i'm just not the least bit mathematical nor analytical. but i will persevere.

anyway, this baby is coming out SOON! but soon isn't enough! i will not touch my atm card unless it is absolutely and positively necessary. omg. can't next week hurry up? i need money ohsobadbadbad.

lazy sundays

2008-05-11T19:49:00.003+08:00

i'm resigned to the fact that if i fail again, it's no biggie. but then the idea of spending so much on lessons and circuits and the test itself, it's what gets to me the most.

apart from selling youself off, what other ways are there to earn a reasonable amount of money? well, that explains why i'm home and not anywhere else. not that being broke is immensely depressing but... you gotta take stock of things. like how someone says that you gotta suffer financially now so that you can enjoy later.

is later when you're six feet under good enough? you'll never really know. in the meantime, i have spent the whole day like an utter sloth - sleeping, watching anime, playing ds andjust resting. i have to say, it feels good. now for my third round of zzzzs.

retail therapy

2008-05-08T23:27:00.003+08:00

the budget girl's way is via online shopping, in bulk. i like presents in the mail, clothes in the mail. i wish i could devote more (or all) of my money to that. i had a really shitty fucked up day. i cried in an alley and in the toilet. i'm horrible because i failed to manage my anger and emotions and keep disappointing myself.

it's raining, suits the mood and everything else. more clothes more clothes MOREMOREMORE! this, is material happiness. that and food and running and slacking and doing nothing the whole day and not showering because you seriously can't be arsed.

i don't like a lot of things and a lot of people. but can't be helped can it? the world doesn't end with me, sadly. also, memory card for the r4 has fucked royally. serves me right. self-destruction much? maybe that's why girls keep long fingernails. everything you say is being screened by the world. from now on, less truthful whining.

do i really?

2008-05-08T22:51:00.003+08:00

i am paid to maintain and look after a community.

i am not paid to run around the island giving out posters and taking pictures of it. nor am i paid to handle about 200plus people coming in and regurgitating the same shit and having to stay so late for stragglers who think i live for them.

but do i actually have the right to say that?

i don't like you (at all)

2008-05-08T17:32:00.003+08:00

i failed myself.

it was only day 4.

i just wanna go home.

please.

i don't want to hear about how badly i screwed up.
i don't want to hear about how i'm running away from things.
i don't want to hear about how i could make things better.
i don't want to hear about facing up to things.

i don't like she who shares the same name as i do. i'm angry that i'm not included in a process that is eventually meant to be managed by me. but someone said that shit like that happens so i have to suck it in and smile and pretend and deal with it. i really hate this. but i don't have a choice. not yet.

can't wait to get out of this hell. leen told me that the only thing holding me back are the people. well, some. maybe the benefits. but for everything else, i've got nothing to lose.

just a few of my terribly unfavourite and detestable things

2008-05-08T13:55:00.003+08:00

things i really don't like.

1. being hungry, having to wait only to realize some asshole prolly took my food and being forced to wait more

very close to throwing it into the bin. but breathing in and realizing surviving on water and crackers for the whole day isn't really the most mature way to go about doing it

2. walk down all the way to an otherwise extremely crowded diner, having what happened in (1) and then left on my own to walk back (yet another ~~excruciatingly~~ fucking long way back in the fucking hot sun)

3. having to wait till 8 again for people come down and make collection

lesson learnt, if it's not within 200m of your office, don't be some stupid lovelorn saint to meet someone for lunch. there are people who work very closeby (read: international plaza) who though at times make you feel like strangling them but nonetheless love you still, who would lunch with you. only if the time is after 1pm and it's at amara/icon. that's pretty much nearer than where i had to eat and suffer (1).

yeah i'm pissed off. but i mask it really well with a smile. gonna practise it a bit more. get rid of the negative vibes behind said smile. then i'll be set to face the rest of the fucked up world.

:D

food cravings. something soupy

2008-05-07T10:45:00.002+08:00

sneezing. a blocked nose. how do i survive an interview later? my stomach's growling and macdonald's griddles are tempting/teasing/taunting me. more receipts than the last time i handed up to claim. not that it equates to more money. sigh. everything goes back somewhere soon enough. like say... insurance and savings.

so yeah. an hour to go. lemme prep things up and look presentable. do you think i'll have time to swing to macs for lunch? but i'm still craving fish soup. sigh.

sing this one for the fishes!

2008-05-07T00:37:00.002+08:00

forget the shit hitting the ceiling theory.

i'm taking cover. a nice bomb shelter would be amazingly nice. i just hope i'm spared the scars, shrapnel and burns. by gawd i really don't want to get involved.

my wetseal clothes are in the bag. i'm antsy and nervous bout tomorrow. i really hope things go well. mayhaps a glimmer of hope in a new land, a new industry. but we'll just wait and see how things go. gut feeling they won't want me. but who's to say i never tried eh?

how does this sound? dress, pantyhose/leggings, peeptoe heels. i should channel preppy eclectic but i'm nowhere there.

cute boy alert

2008-05-06T16:53:00.003+08:00

i think i score pretty well on acting cool when a cute boy waltzes in category. haha. not that there were many. so many weird and random people coming in to collect their stuff. dissension amongst the ranks and i'm craving for some kickass fish soup. i dunno why. i think it's because ♥trex ate it the other day and the smell was tan-ta-li-zing.

slurps.

anyway. the last person has collected the bag and i'm free to go! repeat this for the next 3 days and that ends it off. i can't believe the weeks flew by so fast. my practical is next week!

such wise words

2008-05-05T12:00:00.003+08:00

confucius say: when shit hit the ceiling, don't forget umbrella.

i'm determined not to mess up and make a fool of myself. again. i'm going to make everything superduperuber zai. i have this week to pull up my socks, set the standard for the weeks to come. now that everything's more or less in a rush, i'm liking things more and more. keep me busy, with the right things.

that's all i ask.

mostly people think me mad but it's a yin with an idle brain that's the worst of all.

also, skinny jeans expanded and hence is not as skinny anymore. i fear gaining in the weight department and ending up like the couple i saw at vivo. thunderously terrifying. not that i'm being mean but it's a sign. i've been slacking off on my runs for far too long. starting tomorrow, if time and everything else is permissible. i'm doing daily runs.

might drag ♥trex along. god knows we're old and huffing and puffing after a short walk at pasir ris and then waking up the following day not being able to move. yes. that bad. speaking of which, we went escape theme park where we go-karted (and i shouted 'fuck' because some asshole kept bumping into me and i would have torn him to shreds but realise i am but powerless), riding things that on a normal sane day i wouldn't because i am terrified of heights (something that spins and goes around, something like the magic carpet and the viking) and a haunted house - where we ended up looking after two kids who were dead scared.

a-yep. have a lot of things to sort out in my head really. i don't like having to face up to things that i've just kept at the back of my mind. still a tad bit emo but i'll live.

indoors

2008-05-04T10:36:00.001+08:00

haha.

i sold my soul way before the devil could come and pick it up.

staying in. no will nor desire to hang out with anyone or go anywhere.

decided.

2008-05-04T01:01:00.003+08:00

stop running away.
face up to your issues, your problems.
from now on, here comes change.

yes. i'm sick and fed up of everything. i've cried it all out. i've cursed it all out. i'm not gonna be the same ol' me anymore. i promise. things will be different. i will be different. 110% in everything. no more griping. no more whining. no more excuses.

but i still won't change my decision. i will stay for a full year. in that time i will make sure i made what was 'entrusted' to me the most fuckass happening piece of shit ever. even at the expense of my soul. and when i leave, there will be no one else who can fill that role, that gap.

i'll have second doubts and all. from somewhere that i've read and always thought it was cliched - when you're down so f-u-c-k-i-n-g low, there's nowhere else to go but up.

and up i'll go.

fuck the counting

2008-05-02T10:46:00.002+08:00

Lately, I've morphed into Saint Bitcheroo. Trust me, you don't really want to know the amount of noise and chaos that goes in my head. This evening will see me letting loose some steam with the babe. Maybe tomorrow we're scooting over to Haji Lane for some... well, something. I'll need to remember to wash my skinnies and shirt and contemplate getting white tank tops.

Sometimes I really hate boys.

Ever get the feeling that you're always somewhat left with scraps? More often that not, people don't appreciate that you set time aside just for them and they don't even work at making themselves seem presentable? Okla. I suppose I'm guilty, perhaps I am. Screw my efforts at being things that I'm not. If I had a choice, I'd go out and meet the world in my running jersey, FBT shorts and Havainas. Because if it was really me, as I am, I wouldn't give a fuck.

Why bother dressing up? Why bother looking pretty? No one gives a shit. Seriously. No one does. And you hate it. I hate it. It makes me feel, unlike myself.

Anyway, screwing that aside. June for my first ever paintball session. Psyched up hell yeah! Orchard Mile Run and Shape Run swinging around those months as well. This weekend is the Adidas Women's Run. Tonight when I drop off at Vivo to take the bus back, I'm renting Mirrormask because I've been wanting it since I was at Borders. I think I'm better at running aggression and angst off than fucking it out.

I need to get away. :P

69: good memory my ass

2008-04-29T10:39:00.002+08:00

I keep forgetting to ask for receipts when I take cabs. Stupid. I've already wasted $30 when I could have expensed it. Fucking irritated with myself. Today is not going to be a good day. I can feel it, taste it and even smell it. But I did get to watch Harold & Kumar: Escape from Guantanamo Bay and that cheered me up. Still. I hate conversations like that. This paranoia is getting to me and I just want. it. to. stop.

It's just money. Why am I so upset anyway?

So tired and in some ways, depressed. I doubled the dosage for last night's medication and perhaps that explains why physically I feel like crap. Woke up halfway during the night because sleep was so hard to come by and my body was in so much... anguish. I don't rightly know how to describe. Losing my voice. I just wanna go home.

68: irony

2008-04-28T00:24:00.001+08:00

Why do I feel as if I'm neglected when that shouldn't be the case? Maybe I should be alone for awhile.

67: don't write love songs

2008-04-27T22:11:00.003+08:00

It's like being broken, somethings not quite right and you know you gotta fix it but the problem is that, you simply don't know how and where to begin. Watched Superhero, thank god we didn't waste money on movie tickets. The weather today really drove me nuts, what with it being so hot and humid and I just hated hated hated being all sticky-icky!

Eww.

You'd think I'd be a little bit more... prepared about the presentation. Just finished the speech, tweaked the powerpoint and I'm gonna head to bed. Wake up semi early to run through, shower and get changed and everything else (and hope I look my geeky best) and cab over to YTSS. Bloodyfuckingfar. Not only that, I gotta head back into the office thereafter, finish up the Madonna nonsense and wait for an idiot who doesn't want me to pass him the tickets at Jurong East (eventho it's fucking near) and instead expects me to wait for him in my office.

The only perks are the movie tickets and expenses. Everything else, I really need a new place.

66: cheap drunk

2008-04-27T10:52:00.003+08:00

Bacardi Breezer. Jagerbomb. Beer. Vodka Redbull. Lychee Martini. Something funny with pineapple in it. Tequila shot.

Boo. Alcohol tolerance went down by sooooo much. Damn embarassing. But the night was so random and fun. From going over to FashionBar and landing ourselves in DblO where just as I came down from putting my bag in the holding area, we bumped into Gene! Or rather, ♥Trex saw him and then it's the end of the story.

It isn't weird to go clubbing, just the two of us, after all. Although I did have a dream that we want St. James instead of DblO and there was equal amount of madness there. Now my nose is leaking, I have to rush to get ready for class and attend my nephew's hair-shaving thingy later on. Also, Harold & Kumar: Escape from Guantanamo Bay!

I shoulda brought the camera but in the midst of all that fun, nahhh. Would have been nice to document the night and go over it and laugh over our silly drunken antics.

I said a lot of things about my hidden insecurities that night. I wake up wondering if I felt relieved or if I felt more worried. I try to hide the things that go about in my head and play havoc with my imagination and heart. I suppose at that point, it just came down to how I'm so tired of my own twisted perverse delusions and I just want them to stop. I wanted to know, forever and ever, I won't be left behind or be second-best. That feeling truly sucks.

You've really been a gem and I wonder just how the hell in the world you ended up with me. Maybe that's why it's so hard to believe eh?

65: trouble sleeping

2008-04-26T03:59:00.002+08:00

Kept waking up. Tossing and turning. Now I'm just gonna sit here, look through the presentation, tweak the fucking speech and pray for sleep. Else, emulating a zombie looks good. I've just about started hating the weekend and it's stupidity and the lies of breaks and having fun.

I should have taken up that offer on a drink. Now 7-11's all closed and I have to wait till tonight for 'happy' time. My period's over (well, just about), so why do I still feel so miserable and angsty?

64: escapism

2008-04-25T23:57:00.001+08:00

Nights like this, I just wish I was dead.

63: unhinged

2008-04-25T10:18:00.003+08:00

That's pretty much how my right arm feels after beating people up in Bleach - Kurotsuchi Mayuri, Hanataro, Ichigo, Ishida. Then ♥Trex saw just how much fun I was having and decided to join in. Of which, I trashed him good. Forget finesse, it was all out arm-whacking/hacking/slashing.

Now I'm in pain and am super glad that the weekend is a couple (alright, many many many) hours away. Rest, relaxation and everything else. Today I'm supposed to get a pair of black/grey skinnies.

Oh god. My arm hurts like a bitch. Sat down to 'brainstorm' copy for an article in a magazine and came across shots of MOS. You know a particular room with cushy white seats and all? The first thing that came to mind was that. So yes, with that in mind, I'm tempted to drag unsuspecting fools to club and drink and party and have fun. The only sad thing is that, no one quite fits that demograph. Hence my life sucks.

Back to work. Fucking sleepy. Need coffee, not enjoying this the least bit. I get more attention from a piranha than I would from anyone else.

62: the world ends with -you-

2008-04-23T10:36:00.002+08:00

Or it ends with everyone else. The game is seriously confusing and I can't seem to get the sub thing to work out at all. So I hold it down and then slash or what? But the fella does nothing! That's alright. Last night was a major pig-out sesh after driving. Pasar malam food + Spongebob = superfull! But it was fun and I finished yet another level of Mario&Luigi hence, all is well.

Piping hot green tea turns lukewarm in a matter of minutes. It goes to show just how cold the office is. The temperature is 23° and below. But it really feels as if I'm in the arctic pole! Uhm yes. I'm still having horrible images burnt onto my retina but the vignette many nights ago eased a fair amount of distress. It seems that a run is in order tonight. Running eases period pains, did you know that? I'd love to just hit the road right after work but the idea of so many things to lug around and carry just turns me off.

Hence, the need to have a license, to be able to drive and toss all my things inside the car and not have to worry about shoulder pains from heavy bags.

Holyshite. The coffee KT made tastes like... uhm. Better not say. 16°! No wonder my fingers were frozen! We're all gonna be the cause of global warming man... Payday tomorrow yay!

61: woe to the hair

2008-04-22T18:16:00.005+08:00

Not smoked since lunch. Craving for that nicotine hit. Soon soon. What with driving at 7:15 tonight and seeing ♥Trex; (hopefullyperhaps) later.

Boredom is truly, an understatement. Surfing FaceBook, Friendster and blogs and realizing how I let dull trivialities eat my life. There's that possible ray of light - events management - though I'm not too sure bout the perks and benefit. This is as stable as everything gets.

How did I exactly strain my back while running? Sigh. Every inch is aching. About 10 to 15 minutes till work ends, free to make my way through the packed underground (like sardines!) towards Gombak. Gah. I just can't wait to get my practical over and done with so I won't waste evenings and weekend mornings going through routine.

Mental note to self: Don't forget how to parallel and vertical park.

Also, I butchered my fringe and hence look like a complete idiot. Nothing on this planet will save me. I hate my face. So much for losing weight. Grr. Plus got no rubberband to save me. Stupid bitch, why did she have to do what she did with the right side of my fringe?! &@^#

60: classical rampage

2008-04-22T11:43:00.002+08:00

So apart from being all geeky and reading my usual Nintendo/Game sites, I'm digging celebrity gossip. Body's aching like hell after yesterdays 2 laps round the neighbourhood. This time I bypassed Chris's house and instead went on a steep uphill-downhill-uphill run with Bach, Beethoven and Tchaikovsky in my ears.

Strangely enough, classical music gave me more energy as opposed to hard-hitting emoscreamo pop music. Why is that?

Belly's full from lunch, major toilocaust and now I have green tea to detox. Driving later and my day's wrapped up. So what should I do now? I dunnoe... More gossip blogs? Teehee.

Crikey, that's so fuckin' bimbo la!

59: money matters

2008-04-21T23:20:00.004+08:00

I promise this'll be the last entry for today. More money issues. This is technically what I can claim from work:

- Internet
- Mobile
- Books related to work
- Transport
- Medical

Basically I think I'll only need to think bout giving my parents money. I suppose $350 every month will be ok. Mom will get $200 and Dad will get $150.

This month I need to:

$150 for Citibank
$50 for SingTel (port the line bitch!)
~~$140 Prudential~~
$50 EZLink (I'll just top it up one shot. I used up $20 so fast...)
$150 UOB (I dipped too much into my savings)

This will leave me with about $800. I will use $500 on food and other assorted entertainment. $300 is emergency cash. If I don't use it or use a little, the money goes in UOB. Process will be repeated for the following month.

This means I can't rightly say goodbye yet. Oh yeah. Must remember that every month Prudential will dock off $140 from my account for my savings plan. Be. More. Disciplined!

Between eating and smoking. Can I choose the latter and a cup of teh peng instead? :$

58: you left me speechless

2008-04-21T20:06:00.002+08:00

When you have no words to say, you listen to classical.

Bach - Air in G

My favourite out of his compositions. You can almost imagine freefalling, freewheeling into the darkness and the unknown. Your arms spread out way, the wind rushing against your face. Not a care in the world, not a care at all. Life flashes by you, memories of happiness and of course, sadness. This sense of... ease and peace fills you up, swallows you whole.

I'm gonna hit the streets with Bach.

57: who needs them anyway

2008-04-21T17:46:00.004+08:00

Who needs superheroes? It's not as if they can save everyone. Only those truly in need will get attention. Why would I need one? I kill cockroaches even though I'm fucking terrified of those creeps. I walk home alone most nights, where banglas and other random construction workers are all lepaking around with their bottles of cheap beer and playing crappy music. I pay for my bills and (most of) my driving fees. I travel everywhere myself, my brother rarely gives me a ride unless held at butterknife-point by mum.

So really. Why would I need one when I do almost everything by myself? I should just get married to myself. That would make it all better no? Of course it will. /sarcasm

But truly, the one thing that saddens me is that you think its so easy for me to move on. Well, you did tell me to fuck off till I know what you want and what I want. Honestly, I don't know what I want. Not anymore. And with regards to you, I don't think it matters anymore. You've taken your leave anyway. Just another status change, maybe block me on Friendster/FaceBook/MSN. Know what? It doesn't matter. I'm not gonna give you orders and turn you into a robot just to satisfy my whims.

But of course, it is easy for you. After all, the possibility of said nightmare happening is high isn't it? I remember what you said: It might happen. Well, now's a pretty good opportunity no? Say byebye to psycho girls who don't seem to know what they want.

Lesson to be learnt: Don't be such a stupid girl. Stop doing stupid things. Falling in love and love in general is a farce. I don't know why I do all those stupid silly things. After all, I am an insensitive selfish bitch. :)

But I will heed Chris's advice. Stay away from 'old' flames and keep away from 'new' ones. And thanks Warren for coming down to smoke with me. It cheered me up. I'm not crying. Not at all. Because it doesn't do anything and it's stupid anyway.

Hiatus, till I find something more interesting to talk about.

56: plans

2008-04-21T11:02:00.002+08:00

This is lunch. Alone, away from people, finishing my smokes with coffee and maybe scratching my arms deep enough that they'll bleed. I'm a masochist, I like pain. Leave me alone. It's better than being treated the way I am anyhow.

55: girlbonding

2008-04-21T00:01:00.003+08:00

Met Leen for coffee at Starbucks. Or rather, I had the coffee and she had BK to fill her growling tummy. Mostly to keep her company as she studied, but the pigeons freaked her out and we saw this guy's shirt et attacked by icky slimy birdpoo. Poor fella and stupid birds. Got totally hooked onto Mario & Luigi: Partners in Time! that I didn't even notice her taking a picture of me, utterly engrossed in the game.

Got myself a shirt that I've been hunting for high and low. Shite, it's so expensive and I'll need a pair of jeans that actually compliment me and not make my thunderous elephant thighs look like Bratwurst sausages. My new image/fashion consultant. That girl has awesome dressing sense.

Have also agreed that when (and if) I pass my test May 16, we'll spend the weekends traversing Singapore and visiting the zoo, the science center, botanical gardens, the discovery center and everywhere else. Just the two of us with our weird quirky antics and photowhore moments. Maybe even a picnic by the side of the road or drive off to Sentosa and slack at Del Mar till sunset and watch the ang mohs try and pick other local girls up.

Idyllic no?

Met ♥Trex after at Vivo where I finally had a proper meal and he fixed the PSP which he so smartly 'bricked'. Things are back to normal and even the dodgy analog pad is fixed. There's nothing really nice to watch in the cinemas as of late and I'm dreading having to go into the office tomorrow. Such... dreariness. The long weekend was a blast and I truly enjoyed myself and finally got the chance to relax and everything else. Ho well.

Finished the first chapter and the prologue to Without Remorse (I know I know I need a better catchier name but it's been eluding me), but I sense that it feels a lil' flaky. Espionage, mercenary, assassinations and the like are all interesting. But I'm not quite sure what the plot is, everything's all sketchy and I'm writing as things come into my head. Bad planning (and oh I cancelled tomorrow's acoustic session. wheeee). Even trawling fanfiction.net isn't helping.

Need my muse. Need ideas. Need to head to Borders and pick up one of those books and find some form of inspiration.

I keep getting this feeling that there's something more. Just right there beneath the surface and I need to find the right things to say to scratch it all out. Damn I hate this. Why am I left to regurgitate everything when I have to poke and prod answers without having any form of consolidated spontaneous response?

54: what happened

2008-04-20T02:28:00.003+08:00

It feels as if we're incapable of having decent conversations. You have this penchant for swerving offcourse each time I talk about something that's pretty important to me. It makes me wonder if you even know what's going on in my head or what's up on my side of the planet. Makes me feel more detached, distant and misunderstood. Makes me questions all the things you say - how much you love me and all - and if they're true or just excuses to stop me from thinking the possible.

It isn't impossible now is it? I could be led around like a blind fool. My period just came. That could be the main reason for the snipishness and the nightmarish dream I had a couple of nights back. Also, why do I have to plan for so many things?

It's finally sunk in. Being home on a Saturday night. Suddenly asking me to go over when the last bus was but minutes/seconds away. My refusal and your disappointment. Tell me these things in future. Full moon up in the sky fucks up my temperament big time. I need to stop seeing everything with sentimental-tinted glasses and just classify everything as sexsexsex.

Suppose life would be a hell lot more easier to live in that way eh?

53: head under water

2008-04-19T21:47:00.002+08:00

I guess I don't get it or maybe I got off lucky. The muggers these days terrify me with the stress that they're putting up with. Is it their own? Is it from the parents or the schools? Perhaps it was a good thing to have finished everything off early. I don't know if I would have been able to handle it any better, should I still be in school. But one thing most definite, is to find a new job and to get something that pays off better.

So I'm home early on a Saturday night. Even the security guard asked me how come I wasn't out enjoying myself. I don't know. There isn't anything much to do anymore. I need to wait till I get my license then least, I have long car rides and Sara Bareilles to keep me company.

There won't be anywhere that'll be barred to me. It's just the wheels, the wind and me.

52: anything you can do

2008-04-19T12:43:00.003+08:00

Suppose it goes both ways, in a sense. There isn't a point for me to be so paranoid and neurotic. What goes one way, can go for another. At the end of the day if it really does happen then it's for the benefit of both.

I think at the end of the day I've come to realize that alone or with someone it doesn't really matter I suppose. Sometimes I'm entertained by thoughts of being alone, remembering what it's like to be independent. Specially after reading an article about 'dating myself'. Suppose it's been awhile since I've actually been by myself. There's always plans somewhere with someone and there's nothing wrong with doing things by yourself - catching a movie, going shopping, eating at a restaurant and the likes.

Although the bit with social shindigs leave me a bit antsy, I suppose in due time I'll get over it. With a fair amount of games in my R4, I'm ready to take on the world. Or just... sit idly somewhere and be trapped in geeknerd wonderland.

51: guilt

2008-04-18T23:39:00.003+08:00

Before I go on to what happened today. Guilt sets in after asking daddy for some cash to sponsor driving. Here I am cavorting my pay away and not conributing much to the household income. Major guilt trip? Immense. Bad bad bad girl. This coming month will see more cash put back into savings (after paying the hefty amount of bills) and for God's sakes, someone please remind me to port my number. GAH! I keep passing by SingTel shops and always forget to get the StarHub number ported. Bloodyhell.

1. Bring mum go shopping.
2. Give dad and mum money.
3. NO MORE UNNECESSARY SPENDING (I promise I promise I promise)

Freelance + GST Offset + Pay + Claim.

Minus;

Handphone bill, Prudential, Citibank.

Will that equate to enough savings? Forget that. I'll think about this when I'm less zoned out. Mom came in to tell me a lot of things and update on the family happenings. I'm not really sure what to say, just really detached from it all and pretending that we're all normal and stuff. But reality can be such a bitch and some people even more so.

Today was really really nice. Was late for driving and it was by far the fastest circuit in my life. Supposed ot have brekkie at Macs but Mister Dinosaur was still sleeping. So headed down to his place and we ended up having hawker fare for brunch - nasi lemak and prawn noodle soup. Bussed down to ViVo to take the train to jengjengjeng Sentosa!

I am still very much terrified of heights. The Skyride to get to the top of the hill for the Luge freaked me out. Quite literally. I sat really still for fear of falling off, causing the cables to snap or something or my sandals to drop many metres down to the ground. But it was pretty interesting because I met an ex-colleague (who is still as grumpy and unsociable as ever) and my ex-schoolmate! Of all places too. Luge was fun. Speeding, freaking out and having fun like a little girl (oh well, can't deny that I still am one somewhat).

Took a break after that and headed to Del Mar for some sun and reading. I meant to sleep but I got hooked onto a book that I borrowed from ♥Trex's brother. Chiclit. The sun was super hot for a bit and then it just cooled off. A bucket of Carlsberg and semi-high and then we ended up on the Luge for two more rides before walking bout Imbiah and taking silly shots. Oh yes, he was busy playing Mario after giving up on The Revolutionary Wealth.

Dinner at KFC (where as usual I could have died because I ate so much... think Katamari) and then headed back to his place to watch Mandy versus Codename: Kids Next Door. Gawd. Sometimes I'm such a kid but I do love C:KND and Number 1. An-Ee-Way. Chilled a bit till the parents and his brother came back and the boy, who just finished 10 days in BMT, regaled us with stories. Hilarious.

Teh peng and a bus back and here I am back home. Was quite peeved with this modded car that was making a hell of a noise as it zoomed down the road outside my house. I hate these stupid silly drivers who think it's oh-so-cool to speed and endanger the lives of everyone else. I couldn't give a fuck about their lives, if they die from it serves them right. But it's not nice to drag other people into the same pit as you. Stupid stupid stupid. Really. If you wanna drive, go train to be a Formula 1 driver or something and stop being a nuisance and a danger to the public.

Fucking idiots.

Enough about that. Finally, tomorrow I can wake up late and not need to rush for anything. Tomorrow I shall do a draft for a novellete that's been in the works for awhile. Not that being a writer here in Singapore will amount to anything, but at least I'll finish something that I had set out to do since 2004. Yes... that's 4 years a lil' too slow.

50: ace attorney

2008-04-18T01:11:00.003+08:00

After weeks of non-playing, finally got around to completing Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney. I just wanted to know the ending. Talk about twists, it really wedges your undies making you go 'whaaaaaaaat?!'. All that's left now is to load Apollo Justice and start it up again.

Last night I had a conversation with an acquaintance discussing dreams, fate, relationships, love and people. Often, it's the insight given by people whom we rarely talk to that makes so much sense and at times, ends up being the light that guides us out of the darkness. Like so many dark turbulent moments that I've been having and unlike so many other people who would have told me otherwise, he told me to give things a chance. I grew up a little too fast to remember that enjoying child-like moments ain't so bad and harmful to the self and image. Yet... there's still so many things that pull me back and away from completely letting myself go.

A phonecall in the afternoon made my day (but sparked a lot of questions thereafter). I hadn't laughed that hard in awhile.

Lately it seems that a number of things been trivialized. I feel a lil' misunderstood. By a number of people. I'm becoming a little less... tolerant of things? Things that may have tickled my fancy once a long time ago? It isn't that I'm bored. There's something wrong and I think it lies in me. I don't know what. At times it seems that everything eventually falls into a sorta pattern. The similarities. Maybe I expected too much or... maybe I had thought wrong.

Regretting too much of the silly things that I've done. I ought to have woken up, accepted it and moved on. Yet I can't seem to get over the fact that I wasted so much potential, so much of my life. And I can't ever get it back.

49: brain issues

2008-04-17T23:17:00.002+08:00

I think there's something wrong with my head. Or my brain. Sometimes I get really really bad headaches - the kind that seems to throb with your every move - so bad that they ruin my mood and plans for the rest of the day/afternoon/evening. Today was one such case. Got it right after driving and after meeting ♥Trex and having lunch at Shokudo, things kinda went downhill.

My impending period is partly to blame for that as well. The food was alright, they're just like Marche only with a wider variety and selection of things to choose from. If my head hadn't been spinning so much, might have stayed for dessert (waffles and ice cream!). But yeah. Also, I got somewhat upset by something he said and that kinda ruined the mood for anything else.

Ho hum.

Seems like I won't be the only one porting numbers from my StarHub to my SingTel. Gonna be all the rage come the middle of the year. Also, sorta fell in love with one of SE's latest phone models - Sony Ericsson W380i.

Sports pretty nifty functions besides the usual Bluetooth. If say you wanna silence a call or an alarm, all you have to do is wave your hand back and forth over the camera. Those braille-ish buttons on the cover helps you to skip, play or foward a track from your mp3 collection. And you won't even need to flip it opn to do so nor see what track is playing (that wouldn't bother if you're like me and by 1 second of the intro you know what's the song).

Plus, I'm beginning to think that purple is actually pretty sexy. Lust? Most definitely. Screw the iPhone, Blackberries and Treos. This is going to be the next pretty thing I'm getting. Wonder if the headsets are purple as well as depicted in the brochure. The other awesome thing is that it's super light and sleek, comparable to the Motorola! I don't care if it's a 1.3megapixel camera. I already own a 7 megapixel digital camera and a DSLR (speaking of which, Shar is still holding on to it). This bit from a review wins me over as well:

On the upside, the W380i will connect to your PC via a special USB cable and it’ll be detected as a USB mass storage device, so you don’t need any annoying software to load your music onto it.

Oooooo! So sexysmexy! Yes that's it. I know what I want for my birthday. :D

48: understated

2008-04-16T20:41:00.002+08:00

I think disappointment is an understatement. I keep telling myself to stop relying on others so much and yet it keeps biting me back in the ass time and time again. Maybe I should just stop being so nice to people, be a complete bitch. Maybe then, I'll finally get what I want and things done my way. And perhaps then, I won't be taken for granted, be unappreciated.

Maybe... yeah. Maybe.

47: superlatives

2008-04-16T10:22:00.003+08:00

I'm most likely to have:

1. Every FaceBook application (seriously, wtf, I got rid of almost everything)
2. Need therapy (I'd like to know who voted this)

In anycase, got rid of it since it's yet another useless application that I could do without. I'm pretty much tired, wondering why people can just toss excuses my way and expect me to make so much effort when it's pretty clear that they're just lazy. I'm flattered you think I've brilliant organizational skills but I have a life and there are other things on my list that have more priority than you. So please, stop demanding and thinking I owe you when I don't.

When in actual fact, you owe me.

It's Wednesday. This means tomorrow I'm on leave all the way till next week. No silly e-mails from people who can't read English. No phonecalls from semi-stalkerish photographers. No need to rush this and that. No need to be all flustered to figure out what to wear. Thank god.

I can finally chillax.

46: bloodyhell

2008-04-15T19:06:00.002+08:00

Even though I type at an average of 93wpm, I was no match for those crazy people. Man, they must have stayed up the whole night. Or hell, even programmed their computers to do the dirty work for them. In anycase, now I feel more at ease. Not needing to wait for 1900hours.

I can finally do my 'homework' in peace.

I wasn't even in the top 100. So you can imagine how lightning-quick their reflexes must be.

45: what?! rain again?!

2008-04-15T17:39:00.003+08:00

This afternoon it was wild, the rain that is. So much water that no one dared to brave the weather to get a cup of coffee. Air-conditioning units were turned off because people were freezing (oh gee like finally). Me? I took a nap and then woke up after the showers for a chocolate bar and (shittycraptasting) coffee before settling down to (try) complete a presentation for the design competition.

All the while I have been tempted by numerous offers. But I remain steadfast, I will not cave in. Yet. The page says that there's still an hour and 21 minutes to go. People'll be leaving the office in about an hour's time, prolly leaving me to pack everything and lock the doors and leave. All for someone. Hmpf.

It's pretty bad when I'm actually dreaming about a nice bottle of Corona or Heineken or a glass of wine. Ok, more of the wine. FashionBar tomorrow night but my date still hasn't confirmed. This is really bad because there'll be someone there whom I don't fancy making small talk and all. It's so weird, or maybe I'll just not turn up at all. But c'mon! It's 1-for-1 for ladies. And I think I'm just about sounding like a mild-alcoholic.

Friends, enemies and whoever else who passes by;

Head down to Fashion Bar (Hed Kandi) at The Cannery
On 16 April (Wednesday)
At 10pm!

Enjoy groooooooooovy tunes from the 44Beatz crew and ladies get 1-for-1 drinks all night long!

44: questionable accent

2008-04-15T15:01:00.002+08:00

YouTube surfing led me to a clip of the Flying Dutchman and The Sarong Party Girl in a sorta heated debate. Glanced through the comments to find that people were more aggravated by the fake/false/pseudo accents as opposed to the points brought across. So I clicked to see if the accent was really that jarring that it drowns out any sense of logic and rationale.

Have to admit that I agree with them. Some of her words were pronounced classically as how a S.E Asian would say it and then she shoves in some slang here and there to toss it up like a Caesar salad. Couldn't really bare watching the whole thing though. Even XX sounded decent and palatable.

Though who am I to complain really. An unmistakably odd accent (not sure if it's American or Australian but I've been told it's a combination of both. seriously, whaaaaat?) appears when I'm just-about plastered. It's really funny. Maybe that's how I slur when I'm intoxicated. Hmm.

43: hair vanity

2008-04-15T10:25:00.004+08:00

Semi-retro indie-ish with a dash of the alternative make for good company when you're having a less than stellar day in the office/classroom. Here's my choice:

Peter, Bjorn and John - Young Folks
Incubus - Pistola
The Killers - When We Were Young
Brilliant Green - Ash Like Snow
Cartel - Wasted
Paramore - Stop This Song (Lovesick Melody)
Madonna ft Justin Timberlake & Timbaland - 4 Minutes

I have homework to complete by tonight. That and waiting for a specific button to load at 7pm (GMT+8) to click. As usual it's fuckin' freezing but the people here are like polar bears and complain if the temperature rise to above 23°. Let me enlighten you on some facts about rebonding.

"Hair rebonding is actually a chemical process whereby the chemical bonds in your hair will be broken, rearranged and bonded back again permanently," says Bis Studio hair technician Sybill Foo.

The first bit that happens is they apply this chemical onto your hair to 'break the bonds' in the hair structure. Left on for some time, the hairdresser will check a single strand on different parts of the head to see if the chemical has taken effect. Depending on how thick and long your hair is, it may take 15 to 50 minutes. Mine took quite awhile since I have hair like Rapunzel. No, not gloriously blonde and shiny but thick and dry as hell (or hay, in this case).

Next, they'll wash the chemical off, put a bit of conditioner and then dry it. The next bit is what gives you your uber straight hair - the straightening. The flat-irons cannot exceed 180° in heat. Else your hair will just be fried fried fried. They'll apply some other cream to set the chemical and straightness in then it's another wait before you wash it off (again) and condition. Then they'll blow-dry your hair and cut it, trimming the dead/split ends or if you want a sleeker shorter bob, they'll do it.

So far I've rebonded my hair thrice. The first two times were by my sister's friend, who's actually pretty awesome a hairdresser. Unfortunately, she relocated to KL and I only get to see her once every couple of months. Good thing too, she'll flip when she sees that I rebonded my hair... and she wasn't the one to do it.

Rebonding isn't cheap. Bloody fuckin' expensive. Best to be done when there's a promotion of sorts at a reputable salon - Kimage. Seems they have this offer to get your hair rebonded and cut (regardless of thickness and length) at $168 ($178 if you want the leading hairstylist to do it for you).

Am I happy with this cut? The right side of my hair looks a tad bit weird but I'm going to let it grow out a bit before I do some DIY with my scissors. Else, everything's pretty fine and dandy. Depending on how disciplined you are and how well you take care of your hair, the rebond will last between 4 to 6 months. Longer if you are, as I mentioned, disciplined with your hair.

Some people argue the flat, straight hair look is for the ah lians. I am a closet ah lian, minus trance, techno, long fingernails and weird fashion sense (not that what I'm wearing now is any less normal). But seriously, it beats having unmanageable thick hair that's temperamental and frizzes out in the heat. So ah lian or not, I like how I look and how it feels and how I now take less than 10 minutes to do my hair and make-up in the morning!

Elfen Lied is disturbing, the bits where the body is viciously attacked (legs getting spliced off, fingers hacked off at the joints etc). Forget the nudity, the more I watch it the more I find the anime caters itself towards sadistic and masochistic male otakus. *shudder*

42: and so he said

2008-04-14T23:24:00.003+08:00

5 lines that I wrote and then I deleted them all. There are some things that you simply can't pen here. But there is one thing, one question that's got me thinking for a bit now.

I think I'm just confused.

41: trendbreaker

2008-04-14T21:26:00.002+08:00

Well-known fact: I have no sense of fashion.

Occasionally I pull off something nice but for the most part, I straggle in bits and pieces resembling that of a disjointed mind. All the fashion magazines in the world, pore through every page as religiously as I can and yet I still churn out the same results.

If only there was someone who could help me out. Or if I had a smidgen of my sister's tastes. My mom just thinks dressing nice is dressing formally. Shirt+skirt. But it takes more than that. Leggings and all just seem trite and cliched and not to say that I have the most fantastic set of legs to match most outfits.

Apparently it seems heels do the trick. But the flooring is wooden and damn if the noise doesn't seem to echo about (since I do have the tendency to walk a fair bit to the loo and all). But I'll figure something out. Somehow. But laundry's done! And without makeup and dark rings about the eyes, I look pretty freaky.

WoOoOoOOoOO!~

40: headspin

2008-04-14T11:27:00.002+08:00

I'm still groggy. Had to climb down the bed to turn off the alarm since I lost the remote. Stupid silly thing needs to have like, a beeper function to facilitate easier find. Whichever. Clocked into work at 9:37 and as a result, I'm groggy. I've to head off to the numerous design schools after lunch. Plotting the path and figuring out the most expedient way to get the posters approved by their administration and put up in record time.

From Ah Lian to schoolgirl (and eventually being told to come into school attire tomorrow, wth!). Super sleepy. Super tired. I wish I could just head home to concuss after heading to the schools. And pleasepleaseplease process my leave!

39: comparisons

2008-04-13T23:08:00.002+08:00

Even as we grow and age, if there's one thing we're not too particularly fond of is being compared to someone else. We are our own people, our own individuals and we have our own way of doing things. Parents are still ever so ignorant in realizing that this seemingly simple and mere comparison, can do a lot of damage. Irreparable, down that path of decay as their offspring grows older.

So I'm not spared from it. And when I was doing something that I knew she wanted me to do and yet. And yet it just never seems to end. Wiped the wind out of me and now I yearn nothing more than to crawl into bed and pretend that within the fluff and comfort of my duvet and bed, there is an imaginary family who loves without question and never compares.

You think at this age things would have been different. But things like this, they never change. Oh that they never change.

38: name-calling

2008-04-13T12:36:00.002+08:00

I don't really recall calling people names. Well, we have the inside stuff and all but lately it just seems as if things are getting a bit, nastier? The words used sound a lil' but more vindictive and hurtful. Do we take the other person's emotions for granted? That they'd get used to name-calling and all and it gives us the right to use synonyms that are sometimes harsher?

I don't recall having offended people outright. I've been keeping to myself mostly and if I do have a grudge, only the few, rare close people would know about it. The art of masking disdain and pulling a smile over my face gets easier with new acquaintances or the certain unmentionables. But those who know, know.

One thing's for certain. I've got the munchies and it's time for some housework else the Matriarch screams her head again, calling me lazy and ungrateful. Boo.

37: image revamp

2008-04-12T23:58:00.002+08:00

New haircut. Feels odd but ♥Trex kinda likes it so that's ok I suppose. Damn but it was so cold and I sat till my butt and body ached and the junior hairstylist who was ironing my hair almost burnt bits of my scalp off. But I kept quiet because she was nice to me and I can understand her plight. I have reallyreallyreally thick hair. Got it from the mother and the thickness of it all can possibly kill.

But everything's a lot lighter now! Mos Burger for dinner. Their breaded+fried garlic-lemon mussels taste pretty delish and this time round, I was the one finishing off most of the food. Couldn't help it. I basically sat in the chair for close to 5 hours! Books, occasionally napping and Mario Party kept me company somewhat. I still can't believed I killed a weekend just like that. Hopefully leave gets approved then I get to rest again for April, least till hell freezes over and I get my bearings back (or till ♥Trex finishes his exams and lavishes more time & attention on me :D).

Million dollar question, should I eat and watch movie or eat and watch anime or screw both and go to sleep? Alas... decisions decisions.

36: wet mornings

2008-04-12T12:01:00.002+08:00

Blissful to sleep through. I thought someone was in my room, fiddling with my things but it was the rain, pattering against the windows first before everything else showered down. Kinda creepy when you think twice about it. I shall not procrastinate and move my wddly cellulite butt off this stool (since I broke the chair, have been waiting till the sis moves so I can get A WHOLE NEW SET OF FURNITURE!), into the shower and off to Funan!

Weird dreams of getting my hair cut, the hairdresser who looks like a Korean actor, school girls filing out of a toilet, afterhaving caused the...

Toilocaust!
(pronounced as toi-loh-coz)
Immense and intense bowel discharge into the toilet bowl,
rendering all olfactory senses down.
(also known as)
Toilet bowl massacre.

Vicious. ♥Trex came up with that tho. It shall be one of those words that I'll keep using and eventually get everyone else hooked onto. So list of things to do today; get hair done, mail out the laters, meet ♥Trex, finish reading my book.

35: onesevenohoh

2008-04-11T16:59:00.002+08:00

When push comes to a shove (or when you're too lazy to walk down a flight of stairs and walk to the end of the block), you make do with the pantry coffee. After all, the boss got us new beans. Avoided it a fair bit because we ran out of sugar, but now there's no excuse. Topped off with tuna sandwiches and a biscuit, I'm settled for my butt to expand in my chair till the clocks chimes 'time to go home!'.

My hair is freaking me out. No amount or type of conditioner is saving me from it being labeled a fire hazard. Yes. Split brown straggly ends. Unruly mop upon my head. I'd love to head off
to the hairdresser's but there's this thing called money that I'm not pretty loaded with. Buggers. Remind dad about my driving fees. This is where I love Google and the interwebs. So many sites to help me figure out the most flattering style for my face.

Square faces have a square jawline and hairline at the forehead. They are 'too short', so a suitable hair cut style seeks to create height elongating the face. Hair should be layered around the face to soften the jawline. Jaw and brow nearly same width. Hair should wisp around face to reduce squareness.

Rebond and a bob. Seems to be the only thing that works. Sadly.

34: pride

2008-04-11T10:28:00.003+08:00

Proud of myself for concussing after last night's shower when I got back. No dallying on the internet and wasting time = losing precious hours of sleep. Woke up at 7:45 and groggily got ready. Brekkie was last night's Ramlee Burger and it was crispy - toasted with the egg, oil and juice oozing from the sides and dripping onto fingers.

Time check in the office. About 9:40? Lumped with the usual list of things to do, I'm saving my leave application for right before 5pm. Could you do without me on the 17th and 18th of April? Lots of vengeful thoughts on my mind laced with bitter jibes and sarcasm. But I'm holding things in because it's not time yet. Nope. Have you ever fucked someone as a means of taking revenge? On that person? Angry fucking? Interesting thought or let's just say the mind has too many free time. You don't rightly need to use brains to do what I'm doing.

Final thing, it's always so funny for people to say 'taboo' things. Like watching their expression the split-second they realized they made a blunder. It's noon, I'm still sleepy and wanting nothing more than to curl up in bed to sleep.

Did you hear how hard the rain fell from the skies? I did. Lulled me to sleep.

33: about 4 minutes to save the world

2008-04-10T15:50:00.002+08:00

Lunchtime, blood donation! My 6th successful donation since I turned 16. Yeah, not very... convincing and inspiring. Not to say, disciplined. Kept putting it off till the SMS (one of the many) today that they desperately needed my blood type.

So we give and give and doesn't anyone realize that as others accept ours, we can only accept our own?

Spent the rest of the day at Improv Everywhere. Opened my eyes to a lot of things - creativity and spontaneity, the greatest expounded lesson learnt. If the group in Singapore ever does one, I'll hop on the bandwagon. The sleeping experiment wasn't really as impactive, imo.

The only happy thing: losing 2kg. Not much, but it's a start. Hot damn but if the blood bank isn't a good 15minute brisk walk from Tanjong Pagar. Under the sweltering heat of the sun, that was threatened by dark skies, and the humidity. But I managed it and left earlier than I should. The plaster makes me feel happy and I remember pain.

Quit whining and get back on track Yin. You're gonna lose out to the bigger fish.

32: dead asleep

2008-04-10T10:53:00.002+08:00

As of late I've just been so tired. It's quite a bitch to wake up and today the boss spoke to me about how my punctuality is just slipping a bit. I understand and I know and I'm going to make sure that for the next few months, I'll be in top form.

Last night did the skeleton for a new layout. Simple, light and a little less cluttered and confused as opposed to this one. Inspired by a blog I saw somewhere, I just hope people don't think I've ripped it off. All that's left is putting the blogger pieces together. Looking to take some time off on the 17 -18 of April. Long weekend for me!

Anyway, got hooked to the whole solve-the-crime/puzzle thing on the Untraceable website. It's by Sony. Pretty nifty or maybe it's because I'm in love with thriller/suspense and whodunnits even though sometimes it's all gruesome, squeamish and bloody.

Oh, before I forget. Yesterday I had my first upskirt experience. At Vivo, heading up to the roof and there was this girl with her boyfriend up ahead on the escalator. As expected, she was wearing a skirt. You know how sometimes you gotta move the waistband a bit to adjust your skirt? Well, she lifted hers and I got treated to a traumatizing sight. I may be a perv at times but I don't mean to purposely look at such things and wait for it to happen.

But yes. Short skirt, thong and a lot of butt. Traumatizing.

31: love's a funny thing

2008-04-10T00:56:00.001+08:00

Good luck for the coming exams ♥Trex!

We're just two very stubborn people who never want to back down from a fight. I'm either right or he's right. It makes for really silly arguments at times. But that's the bit about love. You do stupid foolish things so that you can kiss and make up at the end of it.

:)

30: the world's gone insane

2008-04-09T23:39:00.002+08:00

Just got back from catching Untraceable. The one thing that struck me so hard and deep was just how twisted the world is. It may be fiction but you've been given glances of reality. There's no telling what might happen and how it might happen; the human mind can be a wonderful and yet a dangerous thing.

All those people who tuned in, denying that they're accessory to murder. Didn't the whole term that the more people watch, the faster he'll die trigger something in their rational consciousness? Sad to say that I do know of some people who actually enjoy watching such gruesome things and actually find it entertaining, exhilarating even. What kind of perverse satisfaction do you get from watching sick, twisted and mutilated things happening to other people? What if it were to happen to you? We're all so caught up in our own little world that we fail to realize that there are things on the outside, hell even the borders, that are far more bigger and malicious.

In this scenario, who do we blame? The environment? The parents? The child themself? Or everyone else, whose attention and fascination with what's happening serves as some sick moral, ego pumper that only drives the individual to commit more of these acts and dare I say, be bolder in their next step?

Just the thousand and one possibilities. Just the simple thought. A parent's worry isn't paranoia. Maybe a little at times, but there's truth but most importantly, love beneath it all. I don't know if I should be thankful that the killer wasn't so merciless as to want to ensnare the child.

You could argue, an eye for an eye. Revenge to clear a name. But in such a drastic way? It's not as if you engaged the person in mutual honest combat. Like how the English/French did, slapping the other with a glove to indicate a battle of pride and sorts. In this case, he was catching them unawares. Exploiting their weaknesses. You don't even give them a chance to fight and instead, you turn them into fodder for entertainment.

I don't know which sickens me more. The motives and actions of the killer or the blatant ignorance and masochism of the public.

You watch the show and then you decide.

29: everything goes up

2008-04-09T13:48:00.003+08:00

In light of rising prices and taxes and transport fares. Sitting down with my financial advisor suddenly made me feel so scared. Of the future and finances and that I've just penned my signature to a long-term savings plan. But it's a good thing, I'll be more disciplined and at least at the end of it all, I have cash for the rainy days.

He's really an awesome guy and who knew that Prudential is now going electronic. No more tree-killing paper wasters, what with photocopying this and printing that. He even took a photo of my ID with a digicam and uploaded it to my papers. There's even that electronic signature thingy which he brought along, making me realize how ugly and unprofessional my signature is.

I need to take some leave to start thinking deeper about my life and what I want to do.

28: wednesday blues

2008-04-09T11:45:00.002+08:00

Meeting with my financial planner. Pick up the posters and pictures (well that's much later). Today's gonna be busybusybusy with the presentation deck for the schools. Every word to be screened and scrutinized. Say the wrong things and it's all byebye! I find myself, all the more, pulled in the direction of leaving it all.

$16 for a box of 100 namecards if you provide the soft copy. Minimum is 3 boxes. Total, roughly $48. Go freelance? Writing, photography and design? Why not. Illiriel needs an upgrade - fix the speakers, bigger memory and more RAM. Or a kind soul could get me a MacBook Pro :) It'll be cute to call my company NoFruitPlease or nofruitplease! Conversation topic like "What the heck is no fruit please?" Well, if you know me you know I hate fruits in my chocolate and blablabla.

Rambled enough. I need coffee, I'm super sleepy and I wish there were more holidays or at least one this month. I've half a mind to take leave the middle of next week. Just because the days are getting excruciatingly boring.

27: OK I'M GOING TO SLEEP

2008-04-09T00:46:00.002+08:00

I was gonna go sleep when ♥Trex sent me this YouTube link. It's just so hilarious.

The Evolution of Dance

Ok, now I'm gonna be a good girl and concuss.

26: anti-poker

2008-04-09T00:15:00.003+08:00

Recently a bunch of friends have been hooked on to Texas Hold' Em. For the clueless, read more about it here. Simply put, it's poker. Gambling. Money on the table and Lady Fate smiling at you (or not) from a deck of cards. They keep bugging me to play it but I resist. Here's why:

I'm not into putting my hard-earned money on the table only to have someone else win it because of a set of cards or to be dealt a shit hand. I don't even understand why people gamble, with the delusion of doubling or tripling the amount that they put into the pool. I'd rather give my money to commercialized establishments (read: shops, fashion boutiques, tech stores) where I'll be happy with my purchase because I get to wear it/play with it/fool around and do things with it. Like my Nintendo DS Lite and my PSP.

So guys, sorry. I won't be joining your late-night poker shindigs for a long time to come.

Had a fair amount of random encounters in the past few days. When I'm that bored I'll tell you bout it. In the meantime, gotta devour How To Talk To Anyone by Leil Lowndes. I confess, I don't know how to make small talk. But the few pages that I've glanced and that I've observed of people (and actually put some to use), have turned out to be very informative and fruitful.

Final note, think it's about time I brought the cans of tuna to work. I'm d-e-a-d broke. Boo.

25: things i lust after

2008-04-08T22:51:00.002+08:00

One things I miss about my journalism days is when I get to wake up a teensy late and head down to some conference or an interview. No clocking obscene hours in the morning and struggle to the office like a zombie. Today was one of them although I had a far from pleasant experience at my destined location. My god... travelling from home to Hougang felt like an eternity.

One more reason to get that license!

This entry is basically about things I want to do once my sister shifts into her new nest.

1. 17" LCD monitor - because then I can do my work and watch anime/movies at the same time! ♥Trex is doing that at the moment and I are envious.
2. Logitech leyboard - one where the keys are soft to the touch and make nice resounding clicks instead of those nasty hard ones in the office.
3. Printer - because then I won't need to bother my dad's computer to print out documents and assignments (this, is if I do take my Masters)
4. Shelves from Ikea - they may be over-priced and not as durable as they like to pretend they are, but no one can deny how pretty their storage ideas are. And yes, I'm turning into a girl because I'm actually considering peachy pinkish colours. Oh the horror!

Maybe we could consider this a wishlist for my birthday (June June June!). Although I want the first 3 things more than the fourth. So yes. Also, Plaza Sing has this John Little/Robinson sale on the ground floor and they're selling super cheap yet amazingly nice and practical bags! I just got one for 13bucks! A steal I tell you!

Now if only it'll stick on till payday...

24: what does not

2008-04-07T10:02:00.003+08:00

Kill you or embarrass you, only serves to make you stronger. Or at least, you've thicker skin and simple lame insults won't even scuff your shoes. Do I really need to deal with the issue of 'face'? Frankly I don't care. For starters, what's the point of being weird or bearing a grudge? It requires effort and energy. Hating people takes up a lot of energy, disliking maybe a little less. So I dislike more than I hate. Good enough.

So just because I dislike someone, doesn't mean I can't still be nice. I don't have to roll out the red carpet and shit. Mother taught me to be polite and courteous despite whatever barely-controlled urges I may have to want to beat the shit out of the person. Not that I hate, but you know, when a woman's mad, c-r-a-z-yy things happen. All over the papers.

Boring parties aside, I'm pretty hungry right now. Pigging out over the weekend - vows and oaths of running 6km = flubbery whale indeed. Desperation aside, it's not always so bad catching movies alone. Last night Jigoku Shoujo nearly scared the shit out of me. More anime runs, most definitely. With a hint of nicotine and tea to go along with it!

23: ronaldo is a pretty boy

2008-04-06T23:46:00.003+08:00

And when he runs, he looks like an ostrich. A tie between Manchester United and Middlesborough. No, I've no idea why I'm watching soccer. I'm a loyal fan of Arsenal, eventhough the last time I caught any of their games was when Marc Overmars was still on the team. Time has changed hasn't it? Soccer is still a sport and nothing gets me more riled up than refs playing the biased game and foul play between players. It was pretty interesting to see how everyone still tried their best despite the horrible weather conditions - think light snow, the cold and slick, wet grass.

Definitely not my favourite.

I wish you understood or took note that what I just messaged you was pretty important to me. Not something flighty and frivolous. You'll realize that it'll affect you too, much later.

The new layout's pretty plain. Then again, I've always been into simplicity. I'm on the fence right now. I don't know if I want to ditch this now come May/June and join the famil tradition or stick it out a while longer for my Masters. If I go for it, I can pay for my education. And if I don't... Then my hands are tied.

What's nice to know is that now, I'm not so lonely anymore. There's someone else who shares the same and feels the same way. Even when it's just one person, the thought makes me feel happier than ever.

Thank you and welcome to the Norton Leans McAvoy!

22: un-glamorous

2008-04-06T13:33:00.005+08:00

Sometimes I'm not so sure about feeling special and stuff. There's a lot of things on my mind and the mixed signals and emotions just tend to mess around with what I thought was stable and rock-solid. Can't really say much, just thinking about things in the dead of the night and wondering "what if". Scenarios and theories that don't really benefit me in the short and long run.

Skipped out on the run this morning for some snooze time. I still feel tired and a lil' achey and well... a tad bit guilty? There's this urge to head out for some fun in the sun - think tennis, squash, running, swimming. But things get a bit lonely when it's just you being the enthusiastic one.

Quick collage done up for Friday's shenanigans. I'm not the least bit photogenic. Sadly.

21: when you can't sleep

2008-04-06T02:43:00.002+08:00

I want to sleep but I keep thinking that if I do, I'd have wasted *insert number*% of my life. After all when you're dead, you're gonna be spending all that time sleeping. Butbutbut if I don't sleep I'm going to turn into a zombie! Such a dilemma (also known as omg wtf this bimbo sial).

McGriddles just sounds super wrong. Let's see if I can wake up for breakfast and/or the Adidas Women's Run. I'm thinking not. Not since I'm actually really tired and my body has just taken a nice beating a couple of hours ago. :P

Plus, I can type in the dark. Ph33r my awesome leet typing skillz!

20: taking things slow

2008-04-06T00:24:00.003+08:00

The weather's been a bit wonky hasn't it? I mentioned a couple of entries back how the on-and-off heat plays mindgames with my brain. Today was pretty much the same. It was cold and then hot, humid and sticky and made me feel sleepy and tired and flustered in the span of a few hours. Spent most of the day in Holland Vee where we browsed through old photos (and realized that we didn't take enough) and having tea instead of our usual - cafe mocha and vanilla latte.

We were meant to do work but ended up just talking nonsense and walking around and exploring places and things. I thought to go Courts; since my sis will be moving in to her lovenest come the middle of the year and look for a new bed. Single with storage space with fluffy matresses and pillows and the comfiest duvet ever. I'll just wait wait wait.

Was in PartyCity when we heard a bunch of remixes on the radio. Coldplay and some RnB hiphop song and Michael Jackson and Nirvana. Weird but strangely enough, they sounded pretty alright.

19: holy hangovers

2008-04-05T13:56:00.005+08:00

It's the weekend and it's somewhat depressing when you don't have plans. Well... there is that but I'm really just that lazy to bother and care. Instead, I'll just sit here, all dressed and dolled and edit a couple of shots from last night's madness.

2 bottles of wine - white and red. I don't remember us taking that many photos. All the zhaogeng shots (almost! but not quite!) and how our eyes are glazed and some people's faces were redredred. Hilarious. It was almost full attendance save for one girl who had her cousin's wedding to attend in KL. Hope you had fun and your dress was finally to your liking!

2 years since Oklahoma. Some bits change but mostly everything else stays the same.

It's been awhile since I last listened to Ave Maria. Nothing religious. I've always thought of the rendition by the Vienna Boy's Choir was by far the best. And then I stumble upon Tarja Turunen (vocals for Nightwish) and it kinda just threw me off, blowing me away.

Tarja Turunen

Vienna Boys Choir

Off to StarBucks to listen to some light classical and do a bit of writing. Hoping to join NaNoWriMo this year and finish a novellete on time for a change.

18: professional underdogs

2008-04-04T11:00:00.002+08:00

When we bought the tickets, and his humour I didn't think Semi-Pro would have been interesting. I don't know Will Ferrel that well. The only other movie starring him that I did catch was Blades of Glory, even so, I was home and nodding off to sleep. But back to Semi-Pro.

It's one of your typical underdog-wins-at-the-end feel-good kinda show. Hello Hollywood, you really are running out of ideas aren't you? Basically put it's about a has-been singer who had a one-hit wonder and used the money to buy a basketball team in his hometown. They suck, save for one or two players but it's more about performance and engaging the crowd and entertainment that matters to them. Or the coach who is the forward and said has-been (Will Ferrel).

Cue in some problem or rather and they need to up their game in order to qualify or be part of the NBA team. Coach trades in a washing machine (this was hilarious though sad, I mean imagine soccer players are traded for a HUGE sum of money and this guy gets traded for a washing machine) for an ex-player of the Celtics and he comes in and everyone thinks he's a hotshot but he isn't and he has his own angsty issues yaddayaddayadda.

But he knows how to play the game and eventually ends up coaching the team. They end up pretty decent. Actually having proper strategies and tactics to win the game. I shan't spoil everything else, it isn't hard since the plot is just so damn predictable. It's a good barrel of laughs when you need something to perk you up after a rather tedious day at work. Acting was alright. I'm no fan of the 70s but the atmosphere was pretty authentic. I just can't get over the weird hairstyles - mullets, afros, really curly do's. Yeah.

You can blow $8 bucks on it or you can wait for it to come out on DVD. Not a must-watch. And speaking of paying for tickets; Golden Village has revised their pricing scheme. Bloody hell, it's all superduper expensive. As if inflation rates and the 7% GST wasn't enough. How does the government expect us to survive and be able to live well when they already dock 20% of our pay to CPF, raise transport fares, GST to 7% and everything else. With all the talk about the GST offset and shit, everyone's saying that once they give money to us (one of the sad perks of being above 21), they're going to find a way to take it back.

:(

In other news, how many of us are actually quite superstitious? Was reading some interesting articles in the local forums and came across one that fit the superstitious bill. About a boy in Malaysia whose shadow was pierced through when he was watching some construction guys doing their job. He fell sick and everyone found out (with the help of a jengjengjeng priest) that his spirit was trapped. I'm not sure if this is scientifically true. I'll ask the mother, she's the expert on spiritual and religious stuff. Most things may not scientifically make sense but the other world really does exist. Some day I'll talk about my close encounters of the intangible kind.

It's the end of the week. I can't believe it. Time flies so fast and so slow all at the same time. The first week of April ended, without much fuss for April Fool's (didn't get tricked or jacked at all, too old for it?) and I'll be trying to cruise the next few weeks till payday.

17: my heart isn't in it anymore

2008-04-03T23:20:00.002+08:00

You think that as you grow older, you stop playing the games when you're in a relationship. That age had somehow played apart in your maturing mentality. It's just funny that we can be mature about certain things and as for others, we're just still so child-like and naive. Or temperamental and childish even.

I honestly don't know what to say. It appears to me you think that I'm taking this all so easily and in stride. I'm sorry that it seems that working keeps devouring me to the point whereby when you're free, I'm not and vice-versa. You're coming to a crucial point, your exams are but weeks away and I'm doing my best in being understanding and accomodating to ensure that you're not distracted, that you're able to complete your work and revision on time instead of putting things aside just so that you can entertain me.

Why else do you think I want to go back to school? That we could be on par and in some sense, help and motivate each other. Seems everything's backfiring tho.

Thanks for being snappy, snarky and showing me attitude. If I had known that instead of trying to help someone you only serve to get slapped in the face with a zuchinni, then I honestly wouldn't have even bothered.

This goes into the books, in future, fuck helping people you care about. Haha. So true so true so true.

16: rain rain pours away

2008-04-03T16:55:00.002+08:00

Outside, the skies are dark and threatening. You hear thunder crawling across the roof and somehow the temperature drops just that bit lower, in anticipation of the watery backlash we're all gonna get. Bloodyhell. I've got driving later on, just my luck to get shitty weather. I just hope that come May 16th, mister sun is nice to me and gives me warm sunshine and beams so that I may (somehow, hopefully) ace my test.

Amongst a list of things that'll need to be done (but I can't since I blew a huge portion of my money on something) - get my hair rebonded and trimmed, buy cloth so that I can learn to sew clothes by my own clothes by myself.

I'm responsible for the condition of my hair turning from glossy smooth to bird-nest-like wiry. All the hair conditioners that I buy and switch from time to time coupled with the conditioners and rubbing my hair together when I towel dry. Nasty habits.