there are certain songs i stay away from because they just bring such horribly bad and depressing memories. but try as i might, no matter how depressed they get, i can never write death cab for cutie off my list. they pulled me through miserable and momentous times. sia, and the funeral for a friend version of colorblind. in your darkest hour they can make you weep but in bright sunny afternoons, they kinda keep you going.

sense field - save yourself
depressing, for so many reasons. for a boy who broke my heart one too many a time, who paved the way to so much misery and destruction. for another who stole my confidence from me and made me feel so confused and disappointed with myself. the words themselves hold a different painful meaning.

coz my self-esteem
it's been low
go ahead and count it's been lower than low
i know the feeling
oh it stealing life out from underneath

had a good soupy lunch with S and we just talked and bitched about work and life. it's saddening that the girl friends you thought you could rely on, just disappear or give you a thousand and one excuses. i'm always here for you when you need me, 8 numbers away. but i suppose, as always, it's because i'm far from being a pleasurably scintillating company. i could work on my social/people skills. they corrode day by day and i've yet to drop the n&d guy a mail for being so nice last week.

Turn out the light
Just say goodnight to yourself
May I remind you
When you find you
Are all alone’s when you
You’ve got to be strong
That’s when they call you in the night
He’s got your picture in his mind
He’s got your number on a paper
At his disposal anytime

Is it really true
Could you save yourself
For someone who could love you for you
So many times we just give it away
To someone who
Someone who

You met in a bar
The back of a car
And for a moment
You felt important
But not in your heart
Cuz my self esteem
It’s been low
Go ahead and count,
It’s been lower than low
I know the feeling
Of it stealing life out from under me

Cuz I want to learn
Can you save yourself
For someone who
Could love you for you
So many times we just give it away
To someone who couldn’t even remember your name
Did you save yourself
For someone who loves you for you
And loves me for me
Or give it away
To someone who
Someone who
Can cherish your name

Cuz I want to learn
Did you save yourself
For someone who
Loves you for you
And loves me for me
Give it away
To someone who
Someone who
Cherish your name

Cherish your name

sometimes, remembering hurts. when i stop to think and reflect, i haven't had the happiest of times as i grew up. not age-wise, but emotionally and mentally and everything else. true that life's experiences mould you to be who you are today. whether cold and callous or bubbly and vivacious. yet sometimes it's all just a mask, a facade. we live in this life of a pale pretense, often pretending to be something we're not just so that we fit in or that we're able to taste that ever-elusive notion of happiness. that delusion or illusion of happiness is sometimes what keeps us going, living and breathing each day.

i've ran away from the reality of life and my own problems. there are some, i suppose, out there who suffer the same things as i do and perhaps have come out different because they handled it better. i wish i could meet them, be given some advice or a direction as to how to go about managing this.

i can't rely on anyone else anymore. there's only me in my world. at the end of it all, there will be only me.

hello to high and dry

Labels: life, reflections, thoughts