i'm so drained for some reason. i feel like i'm in this haze and everything is dragging me down. so much activity in the skies now, as if the army is ready to mobilize and lay waste some bombs. ben's in the office due to wisdom extraction complications. heading there after work. how the hell do you get to mt. elizabeth anyway?

i'm supposed to be cleaning up my room and running tonight. i can still make it in time for both and have an early night. i can't believe i spent 20bucks today. 10 on 4 slivers of underwear and another 10 on food. because i was just so hungry, i binged on junkfare from 7-11.

depressing.

i just want to sleep. i don't know why i'm so tired.

Labels: drained, life, thoughts, tired

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right after this, im going to crawl into bed, call the boy and give him smooches on the phone and then sleep.

the morning's run was alright. was really surprised to have woken up on time and get to the venue on time as well. course i got the brother to drive me down. of which i had to pay 15 bucks for petrol. but that's alright. about 11minutesish to complete my run. not that it's fantastic, but it's a start. might get a friend to run with me for the army run. 6km or 10km? i think we'll do 6km first. i'm still nervous about going beyond 5 because i've never trained for such a distance before.

i know. super weak. but we all have our little goals.

we had quite the adventure. i didn't want to go back so early so i took the bus all the way down to his place. showered and then we headed to macs for breakfast. had to run for the bus, which we missed and then quickly scooted over to the other stop since the bus was making a loop. ended up at the science center where we had mcgriddles, sausage mcmuffin with egg and hotcakes! strolled over to central for him to deposit cash and then back to his place again to finish up his prisonbreak and my vampire knights.

omg. that anime has got me HOOKED! kaname-sama and zero are like... droolishly hot. even for anime characters. damn it i'm turning into such a girl. but yes. i still can't understand the hype over prison break and michael scofield isn't really so hot. he is gay after all. okok. it's wentowrth miller who's gay but who cares.

then we napped. and napped. and just slept. whatever rest i needed over the week, caught it all up in the nap. snuggled up to my teddybear dinosaur and just concussed. headed home for dinner at ktm. brother let me drove and this time there were less outbursts and scoldings and i felt a lot more comfortable and confident. i still panic from time to time but it's getting less now. it's a lot easier when you know where you're heading and how to get there as opposed to being completely clueless.

even got to park in the carpark! home of course. my parents appear less... terrified with me being at the wheel and that's good. more private lessons with the brother (when i have cash) and soon enough i can drive on my own! and oh, gotta take leave on my birthday. one day where i refuse to work.

so now i'm off to bed and i'm gonna quit smoking because cigarettes are burning a hole in my wallet. love you loads baby and i'm really glad we had the talk and just let everything out.

feels like a married couple. and know what? if it was really true, i would really like to be married to you.

:)

Labels: boyfriend, driving, love, running

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finally now i understood why girls all over fell in love with sex & the city. i'm not all into it, like being fanatically obsessed but i can understand the appeal. how you can relate to either one of the girls. i see a bit of my past self in miranda. too afraid to fall in love. too afraid to trust and using the shield of skepticism and cynicism to drive people away.

ironically enough, it's the whole pseudo-porcupine effect that had other people trying to plough their way through. they thought i was this unique interesting being that they had to unravel and figure out. well, judging by the number of bruised and broken hearts, i'd say they got what they deserved. :)

the boyfriend says that i am carrie bradshaw. i think almost everyone of us is like carrie in some ways. having met with the boys who turned pale and white at the mention of 'committment' and 'relationship'. can we say mister volllldemortttt? and then there are the oddbags we've dated who made us raise an eyebrow or two at their antics.

i know some people like samantha and those naive idealistic ones like charlotte. hmm a miranda-carrie mix. the idea of being a love columnist sounds intriguing enough. what with everyone jumping on the bandwagon of being a fashionista or a technophile and the likes. let's just go back to the roots.

so perhaps i'll start thinking about the elements of love, sex, relationships and everything else in this new-age society. things aren't the same as they were before and perhaps... it'd be interesting to compare how being in love and falling in love then is as different or similar as it is now.

or perhaps i'm just uttering gibberish... yeah that seems more like it.

Labels: thoughts

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something mentioned today led me to think about this.

i don't really consider myself being one of those controlling girlfriends. yeah i'm possessive and jealous, that's pretty much normal and human. but when you consider controlling, i don't think i quite hit the scale. i pretty much let him do whatever he wants. hell he can have all the fun he wants and not even think of dropping a message or anything and whilst i am the one pissed off etc, it's not as if i tell him you go back home right now or i break up with you.

that's just... psycho. plus he doesn't function that way - you're not a huge fan of being threatened. that much i know very well.

plus... i don't really restrict his freedom - he meets up with whoever he wants (of course, occasionally not telling me of the sudden change of plans and usually i'm the one who's still awake), talks to whoever he wants, goes wherever he wants etc. we can conclude that i neither control nor restrict his desire and choice to do whatever he wants.

ok. so the point is that i'm not controlling, i give space and freedom. one last thing i'd like to add is that i don't really make you feel guilty or kick up a huge fuss (the two most recent occasion is for completely different reasons) or tantrum and ruin/spoil your mood. and i still, very firmly believe, that i sms you more when i'm out with my friends than when you are with yours.

hah!

and don't give me the rational that i meet my friends more etc etc. because i realise you only start behaving in that manner when i'm out with my friends instead of being with you. also, i don't meet my friends that often/much.

hmm.

Labels: rant

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i don't like double standards.

like it's perfectly fine for someone to do something and i'm even expected to understand and not be sore or annoyed by it. if i am, it's my fault and stuff like that and then the mighty trout of reasoning slaps me in the face and i have no right to feel and react that way.

but it's always different when it's the other person. i do something and i'm being guilt-tripped into feeling as if i shouldn't be doing it and i'm selfish in a sense that i never even considered the other person's feelings or if they wanted to be part of whatever nonsensical festivities.

so it's just really frustrating. i don't like it that i have to be the one who's understanding and more often than not, give in and be forced to swallow my feelings (no matter how rational or irrational they are) and pretend that everything is ok. that's just not fair.

Labels: rant

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i think the current stiff neck is a result of intense headbanging (of sorts) at zouk last night/this morning. boyfriend waited 1/2hour to get into phuture but just as we reached the gates, the security guy told us that we had to go into zouk because they already reached their limit in phuture. if the idiots in front of us hadn't multiplied asexually like amoebas (from 4 guys it became 10, how can?), we may very well have been one of the last few to get in.

now, a younger, more naively temperamental version of me may have kicked up a big fuss; but know what? it doesn't matter. after all... we did come down for the mambo. he (boyfriend) was sweet to want to get a stamp so that he could accompany me in phuture if i got bored in mambo. i think it's more to see other girls. harumpf!

but yeah. fluttering eyelashes and big sincere smiles don't really work in getting what you want. but we talked to the front office guy, entertained him and asked him bout this and that and well... you learn and understand quite a fair bit of things that's going on in the nightlife business world. so we screwed phuture, grabbed a drink and then headed into zouk. horrible boyfriend tells me as we sat at the bus stop and drank our teh and milo pengs that he made me drink most of the concoctions that we shared - zombie & graveyard.

i should have known he's semi-immune to tequila shots. will keep that in mind in future. :)

but yes. mambo night was awesome! really good set of music and just dancing away. they didn't play that particular song, i'd have wanted to see his reaction but naw. you know, the random people at dbl o are so much more friendlier than those at zouk. ok maybe the girls. total fashion parade. i felt plain in my top and jeans but heck lah, i'm not there to compete with size zeros, gucci and comefuckme make-up.

i need to make more friends, for many reasons.

i'm kinda annoyed with someone because he keeps giving excuses bout time being all tight and busy for him when next thing i know, the name of his other band seems to pop up pretty often at gigs. i ought to do something about it but i'm gonna get the other guys to settle it. young much? mostly.

pretty tired, the mild allergic reaction to alcohol is bothering me a bit but i live. about 2 hours more till i clock off work. anlene orchard mile run this weekend too and i need more practise with the car. hopefully i can at least drive myself to the shape run. though looking at the way things are, seems just unlikely.

also, nearing broke and running on reserves. next week is gonna see me reallllllly quiet. sigh. and here i thought i was managing my finances. need to be tighter with my budget.

Labels: life, party

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*kiss you*

thank you for being all excited-nervous bout my birthday present dear. i'm loving it, even when it's not here yet. :)

Labels: love, you

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so truth be told last night i went to wala and chilled with warren and gang. shirlyn and the unexpected crew were there. not really a huge fan of rock songs but when you keep piling yourself with beer, well... eventually everything turns out to be really fun. so after the set it's just a bit more drinking till the bar closes and whaddya know, an old friend appears and i find out rather interesting news.

although i don't think anyone cares for it much. but really. interesting to talk to some random guy (who has a really hot girlfriend) about the programming industry and software application and the iphone. as usual, gotta love the response when i tell people i paid not a single cent for mine. hohoho. the initial plan was to eat at the kopitiam but then everyone seem to have lost their appetite so we pretty much sobered up.

reached home bout 3ish in the morning and just concussed. today was a wedding all the way in the north of which i thought i was going to be driving but ended up not driving (and hence, wasted my time) and then home for more 30rock and persona. yums.

random meetups and hangouts are always interesting and fun. sometimes more fun because you find out random bits of gossip and rumour. but yes. i'll finish up the rest of my episodes and then sleep. looks like this week got packed before i even knew it. :) all you nice lovely people who have been dying to meet up and hangout, better book me before it's too late!

yin's next available timeslot now... is thursday. :) but i hear there's a dinner with a bunch of lovely girls so if ya don't hurry then... too late! it's been awhile since i got around to being a semi social butterfly. very healthy for the number of namecards i own. also, you never know when you might need that social capital.

Labels: life, thoughts

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found another obsession besides hell's kitchen. say hello to 30rock! yes i know i'm just a tad bit slow but you see, i rarely ever watch tv. or to put it more blatant, i don't watch tv. not that i don't have the time, i kinda prefer being online as opposed to mooching on the couch. you'd think it was bad enough that i already spend so much time online at work that i'm suckered in at home but no. ok. well yes. it's a habit that i'll need to break. i tried, with the whole del mar experience but that was another depressing episode and hence, i'll just stick to watching random shows on online streaming sites.

:)

it kills time. really. and i don't have to bother bout advertisements and other random nonsense that would otherwise spoil the whole experience. contemplating videologging but i look bad enough in pictures that i should spare everyone else the agony of looking at my really ugly mug.

in 3 days it'll be 15 days left to my birthday. i know the boyfriend has given up on trying to figure out what i want and hence has resorted to just getting a one night stay at a nice hotel and mooching there. guys don't really have that much originality. can't blame them. i don't suppose i'll actually take a day off from work because when you think about it, there isn't much that i can do. most people are busy or they forget that they have plans and make secondary plans and yadayadayada.

but since it's wednesday, i think i can afford to do a little partying on my own and grab random people to go mambo with me or something. hopefully. getting semi-pissed drunk sounds good as well. but not always advisable since we all have to trudge into work the following day anyway. so we see how la.

i think i missed out on the macbook promotion that singnet was offering. ho well. missed opportunities, again, just like the shop that i usually go to thread my eyebrows is closed on the weekends. which i clearly remember them not being closed but hey, it's ok. let's take it all in stride. so with random snacks found in the cupboard and episode 4 of 30rock completely uploaded, i bid ya'all a happy exciting weekend.

i'm determined to turn into a disgusting sloth. occasional running. should i go for paintball tomorrow? and my god, i didn't realise how quickly my account balance has fallen back to a 1. this is depressing. gyargh.

Labels: bored, life, rant, weekend

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random moments in the office bring smiles and laughter.

meeting in the office tomorrow morning during lunch and L is taking in orders from subway. C asks D (who is our tech guru where conversation trackers are concerned) to create a VOC to help with the orders. next thing you know in a couple of minutes, D invites us all back into skype and shows us his finished product.

i am very amused.

Labels: funny, work

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perhaps growing up isn't too bad.

if i had to stop right now, turn around and look back at my life; i realise there's a lot of things to be proud of and grateful for. of which, no one has any right to rob me of feeling that way towards these little bits of my life. it's like being woken up from deep slumber. a lot more motivated, a lot more pumped and energized. a good long talk over lunch quite often does that, i ought to have more of it.

i'm not leaving just yet. i'm going to fight and i'm sure as hell going to make my mark. if i don't know how, i'm gonna keep searching and hunting till i do.

Labels: thoughts, work

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there's a lot of things to think about, to consider. a lot of things to do, a lot of things to change. my attitude towards certain issues, my anger (or rather overall emotional) management. i guess i'm not doing enough, sacrificing enough on my part and as a result, everything's just crumbling down. to have the same thing repeat itself, words always cutting deep.

but today promises new beginnings i suppose. or a nonchalant attitude from that certain someone.

had supper but i didn't eat. it was interesting to see things from a different perspective. of the lives within that particular circle, the one i never quite got the hang of fitting in. or rather, i don't think i ever could, with this particular social ineptness.

you were on my mind the whole time.

but you may not believe. may not read this. may not even... care.

i know what i have to do. grow up. and i will. you know, i feel pretty bummed. it was a moment to relish youth and innocence (yeah... laugh all you want. i know i'm not anymore), be in that giddy heady feeling. now i gotta stop it all and be serious.

Labels: thoughts

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a past comes back to haunt me.
we never truly are free.
we just believe we are.

why do i keep doing this?

Labels: thoughts

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i think, that i should stop airing my emotional woes, as occasionally entertaining they may be. heading out to fongseng to meet the babe and dude from m12. :D total randomness. but first, i gotta shower and get rid of the stink, make-up and grime of today.

i'm hungry but i have no appetite. none at all.

Labels: thoughts

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ok. maybe i want a htc touch for my birthday.

i should really just come up with the list right? since some people are totally clueless. however, plans have already been made (might conflict with some) and we'll just see how things go. the irony is that whilst some people may have come up with a supremely detailed birthday list, i get stumped after listing the first two things on my wishlist - macbook and a htc touch. reason being that perhaps, other than wanting world peace (hafuckingha), i've pretty much satisfied my share of material wants.

oh god. does that mean i'm growing up, or rather just growing old?

t minus 21 days to my birthday!

Labels: nonsense

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crikey.

you don't know how dangerous multiply can be sometimes. next thing you know, your family members know things about you that they shouldn't. i think i'll use it more to put up reviews and photos than anything else. there's still a sorta secrecy blogging here.

life's been pretty dead as of late. my weekends got screwed over because of misunderstandings and indecisiveness. a lot of sleep lost, a lot of undue and unnecessary internal frustration and exasperation. moral of the story? just don't give a fcuk and let whoever it is just do whatever the hell they want. it really spares you the agony and all that time that would have otherwise been spent wasted lamenting over it, can be put to good use.

like cleaning up my very messy room. which reminds me that i ought to scoot home after work and just sort out the mess that's on my desk.

speaking of work, since the maintainence crew came by and cleared the air-conditioning units of dirt and stuff; the place has been freezing cold la. it sucks to be directly underneath this particular unit. with the swing it blows cold air into my already freezing cubicle and being bundled up like a jawa in the desert (starwars), is not fun. things have been just a tad bit slow on my end and making me feel as if my productivity has just been hit by an all time low.

although i guess the upside is that i'm learning a lot about online social media networks, web 2.0 and all the fancy shmancy stuff which is pretty much valuable to what i do. the sudden information overload kinda overwhelms you initially. but now thanks to the friends i've made on plurk, mister unique-frequency (most importantly) and wiki (oh that i love thee, just a lil' bit more than the boyfriend), i've been given a host of new and interesting things to read, understan and explore! there is life after facebook! i kid.

come tomorrow, it'll be 20 days till i turn 23. boyfriend's mildly panicking since i already gave him his birthday present (and his birthday isn't till july) - another guitar hero console for the wii! oh yeah and speaking of guitar hero, we played it till super late last night. which resulted in me getting in the office real late and hearing reptilia in my head from the moment i wake up right till... now.

please don't hold me back
if we're going tooooo fasttttttt
we're in a strange
part
of
town

i had a weird dream that involved me spending almost a hundred aussie dollars buying my favourite chocolates (which can only be found in zurich, ironically) and then struggling to get home to singapore by foot.

Labels: dream, life, rant, work

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