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damn but this song makes me wanna mambo sooooo baddddd!
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i survived another week. mostly i think it's because of the long weekend and the tours. else i would have been utterly zombified. it's friday!!! not that it spells partying since i am extremely broke and the accountant came in yesterday whilst i was out and hence i couldn't claim the crazy amount of expenses i raked up over the month.

sob. KT says money will come in on saturday. if it doesn't, i can chase him for it.

financial breakdown
citibank - 100
singtel - 50
parents - 300
transport - 30

blinging up the phone, software-wise. with facebook down, i can't get my work done. bloodyhell really. of all times to do a site maintainence. don't they know that it's mostly us singaporeans who're busy on facebook? the wonders of social media. i shall go and check out what's nice to catch in the theaters. shopping (online or not) will have to wait till i'm in the green. boyfriend says brekkie at macs (mcgriddles!) tomorrow morning. that is, if we can wake up in time.

more often than not, he wakes up earlier than i do and is my alarm clock. boo.

Labels: life

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i miss the boys and jamming and singing our own songs. it's amazing to see how much we've grown and how far we've gone since being so indecisive, young and naive and everything else. i think the pair of you really saw me grow up from my runty jjc days to now.

oh how time has passed and how things have changed.

you know i'll never forget you.

Labels: friends

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there are certain songs i stay away from because they just bring such horribly bad and depressing memories. but try as i might, no matter how depressed they get, i can never write death cab for cutie off my list. they pulled me through miserable and momentous times. sia, and the funeral for a friend version of colorblind. in your darkest hour they can make you weep but in bright sunny afternoons, they kinda keep you going.

sense field - save yourself
depressing, for so many reasons. for a boy who broke my heart one too many a time, who paved the way to so much misery and destruction. for another who stole my confidence from me and made me feel so confused and disappointed with myself. the words themselves hold a different painful meaning.

coz my self-esteem
it's been low
go ahead and count it's been lower than low
i know the feeling
oh it stealing life out from underneath

had a good soupy lunch with S and we just talked and bitched about work and life. it's saddening that the girl friends you thought you could rely on, just disappear or give you a thousand and one excuses. i'm always here for you when you need me, 8 numbers away. but i suppose, as always, it's because i'm far from being a pleasurably scintillating company. i could work on my social/people skills. they corrode day by day and i've yet to drop the n&d guy a mail for being so nice last week.

Turn out the light
Just say goodnight to yourself
May I remind you
When you find you
Are all alone’s when you
You’ve got to be strong
That’s when they call you in the night
He’s got your picture in his mind
He’s got your number on a paper
At his disposal anytime

Is it really true
Could you save yourself
For someone who could love you for you
So many times we just give it away
To someone who
Someone who

You met in a bar
The back of a car
And for a moment
You felt important
But not in your heart
Cuz my self esteem
It’s been low
Go ahead and count,
It’s been lower than low
I know the feeling
Of it stealing life out from under me

Cuz I want to learn
Can you save yourself
For someone who
Could love you for you
So many times we just give it away
To someone who couldn’t even remember your name
Did you save yourself
For someone who loves you for you
And loves me for me
Or give it away
To someone who
Someone who
Can cherish your name

Cuz I want to learn
Did you save yourself
For someone who
Loves you for you
And loves me for me
Give it away
To someone who
Someone who
Cherish your name

Cherish your name

sometimes, remembering hurts. when i stop to think and reflect, i haven't had the happiest of times as i grew up. not age-wise, but emotionally and mentally and everything else. true that life's experiences mould you to be who you are today. whether cold and callous or bubbly and vivacious. yet sometimes it's all just a mask, a facade. we live in this life of a pale pretense, often pretending to be something we're not just so that we fit in or that we're able to taste that ever-elusive notion of happiness. that delusion or illusion of happiness is sometimes what keeps us going, living and breathing each day.

i've ran away from the reality of life and my own problems. there are some, i suppose, out there who suffer the same things as i do and perhaps have come out different because they handled it better. i wish i could meet them, be given some advice or a direction as to how to go about managing this.

i can't rely on anyone else anymore. there's only me in my world. at the end of it all, there will be only me.

hello to high and dry

Labels: life, reflections, thoughts

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yesterday i learnt a couple of things.

1. chinatown does not stock clothes like those found in f21
2. their clothes are tackier and a lot more pricier.

like seriously 49bucks for something so... shit. who the hell would wear such things? what happened to decent bargain clothes? i'm beginning to think the only place that has it, is this fashion. don't underestimate what they bring in because sometimes you get really rare, interesting, unique and non-tacky pieces.

suffice to say, was pretty disappointed with a lot of things last night. so much that i reached home 15 minutes to 9, watched a LOT of tv and then just promptly went to bed. might do the same thing tonight. no 'joyriding'. may have dropped by bugis but i made plans to head home with someone. also, i need a moisturizing cream for use in the office because the cold dries my skin. off to lunch (bout time too) since the queen bitch (whom i still love plenty) plans on bringing me to a new peck seah. woulda gone to bugis but immy's out with his brother and hence just the two of us ain't that fun.

ciao.

Labels: life, rant

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heels were not meant for climbing hills. which was what i did in order to get out of the school for a fag and then up and down again for the presentation and then back to work. quick bite at burger king (eaten in record time!) before rushing back to the office. there's just so many many things to do and keep track off.

the weekend was awesome. somewhat sleeping in and travelling to places - meidi-ya and yes, i have never really been there before till last night. catching prince caspian and eating to our hearts content. i contemplated driving to work but i'm not fond nor familiar of the roads and there really won't be anyone to sit beside me and guide me through.

hoping i can 'joyride' tonight to be better familiarized with the car. also, i'm not going to wear jeans to such silly presentations anymore. so hot! the weather seriously kills. dresses or something really thin and airy please. planning to hop over to chinatown (since someone said everything in f21 can be bought there and cheaper too) for some dress-hunting. see if there's anything nice that catches my fancy. else, i'll part with 40 bucks for that flirty dress at hula&co.

i've been meaning to talk about this with you. i never really had the chance or usually when it happens, it just stuns me and i keep quiet because i don't really know how to respond to it. sometimes you say things that're quite hurtful and i don't suppose you realize that. i know i should just be upfront about it and tell you that i'm hurt or disappointed with what you say or the things you do. but sometimes, it really just catches me unaware. maybe i'm too sensitive to what you have to say and stuff.

most recently, i do make the effort to try and appear more girly and stuff like that and yes occasionally you like it but sometimes it just appears as if it's really for nothing. i think i get more of a reaction from passerbys (even if they're pervy old uncles) than i would from you. or for the most part, it's just the same kind of reaction.

maybe it's a guy thing. if it is, you're perhaps the first and only guy i know who actually says certain things that allude to certain things. it's not so much that i'm secure that it doesn't bother me... more like too used to it. haha... maybe if it really just happens i'll just laugh and smile and say "okae." and that's the end of it.

aiyah i dunno. i think that perhaps i expect a lil' too much or a lil' less. not that i don't love you or don't like spending time with you. i do. just that sometimes i think you treat me too much like a lil' kid or that you don't really take my feelings into consideration when you say some things.

GAH. ok enough about this. i sian already.
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and so this afternoon, thanks to nuffnang, we caught a preview to the narnian sequel: prince caspian.

it was good and bad all at the same time. first off, draggy. understood they were following pretty closely to the book but there were some bits that could have been sped up just that teensy bit. senseless boring dialogue (i know i know they were necessary but still) and scenes that just made you go eh? wtf?

now instead of edmund being the prat, peter took the cake. male ego and pride getting in the way of logical rationalizing. is it truly for narnia or is it to assuage that swelling ego of yours? either way, the plan failed and it took edmund to break the ice (oh a pun!) and shake you from making what could have been your gravest mistake. at least lucy wasn't as irritating either and the boyfriend felt that they could have gotten someone else to play susan. i thought she was ok, not as if they could change talents at the very last minute and cite plastic surgery or accelerated puberty.

everything stuck t the book plot-wise. prince caspian had a rather strong and weird accent which strikes me as italian. but i doubt he is since his actual name sounds otherwise. i favoured edmund throughout the whole show. that boy really grew up.

t'was quite hilarious in some bits. really random punchlines and of course the infamous 'lucy at the other end of the bridge and wielding only a small dagger with aslan by her side'. then there's the lion himself and the tree-saving ending that was a bit too much like lord of the rings.

thank god i didn't pay a cent to catch it in the theaters. the kids in the cinema were surprisingly well-behaved, much like when we caught horton hears a who. other than that, personally, nothing fantastic.

catch it during the weekday. or better yet, wait for it to come out on dvd or something and rent it. because the one thing memorable at the end of the whole show was... that they had a pretty neat soundtrack and that our butts ached from sitting way too long.

and it was only 2 and 1/2 hours too. yikes.

Labels: movie review

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playing burnout is less stressful than driving with my brother to my left and my parents in the backseat. that's three lives to look after. may 16th was a pretty incredible day. my practical in the morning with a really nice tester and a pass at the end of it all. heading to night & day after for work. 4 presentations, numerous/copious amounts of alcohol after and then supper/dinner with the big boss at mister bean where the boyfriend and he talked about entrepreneurship (sp?) to begin at a young age and numerous books that filtered through my consciousness because i was too busy devouring my chicken chop.

saturday evening was a booboo but all is well and better now. just killed a roach. supposed to send the parents down to a wedding but there was none so we had a super late lunch at jurong west st 41 and then to vivo i went to get new tshirts, realize how fat i am now (damn you periods), meet the boyfriend, head back for him to get the car and then to newton for a dinner that would have otherwise killed us.

27bucks had never tasted so good and made me feel so happy for a belly the size of the moon. then to dempsey's for ice cream and a slow cruise home.

next time i'll be the one dropping him home. hoho. also i hate multi-storey carparks with steep inclines and the fact that the hondas i've been driving in are far too different and alien from one another. i miss my instructor's car. it was so familiar. hell i miss the crazy old man already.

tomorrow! free tickets to prince caspian and a day in normal and completely slackworthy clothes. thanks nuffnang. :) also, the brother says we're gonna 'joyride' in the morning. this means, i'm going to spend time familiarizing with the civic and cruising bout the neighbourhood. with its cranky bits and all.

did you know, that i never knew there was a gear 5 and i kancheonged when he told me to change to gear 5 on the highway. like. !!! i never learnt this when i was still learning! if that made sense.

Labels: life

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what the hell, i paid 30 bucks for petrol and all i did was drive from home to the office. i didn't even get to drive back or drive around?! grr. making use of my money. thanks to all the lessons i usually barely have enough to survive till the next pay.

grr. such a jerk. why the hell am i surrounded by so many jerks!

really pisses me off.
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i hope you know that you're a jerk.
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and so... the sequel to the lion, the witch and the wardrobe is hitting the screens. quite honest, i never really finished watching the first. we were en route to oklahoma and i swapped channels between the sound of music and narnia. let's just say that opposed to valium, they make pretty good lullabies sending you off to dreamland.

the one thing that gets to me is how almost all the kids are almost useless save for maybe the eldest brother and the sister with the bow. the other two are just... calafare? like, prove to me that they're worth something and the great big lion didn't bestow upon them souvenirs of their time in narnia. epic movie, not that it was brilliantly epic but rather wasted an hour or so of my life, pretty much summed up the whole show, in a more brain-damaging manner.

also, couldn't they have prettier children? okok i'm horrible. but really... british child actors as of late (barring radcliffe, watson and grint although they're no longer child actors...) aren't that easy on the eyes. alas the woes of puberty.

i loaned my book to someone else, even the written text seemed a lot more interesting than the movie. i'm hoping caspian will shake off the skeptic veil over my eyes. or at least the directing and the acting. the trailer looks pretty promising. so please dear nuffnang, help me enjoy the simpler aspects of fantasy instead of dissecting it into a teeny tiny million pieces and ruining the magical surrealism it would have otherwise offered oh-so-many others!

:D:D:D:D:D

Labels: movie trailer review, narnia

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things have simmered down a bit from last week. no more overtiming and waiting for people (almost) all alone in the office. all that's left is gearing for the 'party' on friday. but before that! the dreaded moment of doom - my driving practical.

no matter how much i try to psyche myself that it really is nothing, i can't live with another notch of failure on my bedpost. there's just a fair number of things at stake. pride is one of them. damn you 7 deadly sins.

i'm going to have to part with about 160dollars in cash (of which i'll only get back 100 since i owe T 20 and KT is paying my share of C's present) for a gift for the boss. uhm, what exactly do you buy for the man whose wife just gave birth to their second son? i'm clueless when it comes to such things. for all my girlyness (which isn't much), i'm tasked with such a responsibility. definitely no prams. maybe not clothes. a plushie?

too broke for any plans of a holiday getaway. so much for the government giving me money. damn but i need to be a lil' inebriated. anything to get past the week and gear me up for the weekend. he says we could go to the zoo. i want the bird park and wildwildwet too! time flies when there's so much work to be done.

i'll take pictures today. my hair doesn't look like shit anymore. it's decent, for a change. if i can, i'll squeeze in a run too. and damn, i have so much laundry to settle. if only there was a magic wand that settled all my laundry for me. grar.

Labels: life, work

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i swear, sometimes these people expect you to spoonfeed them. so you deleted the email. couldn't you do something like check your trash and undelete it? sheesh. what am i? your mother? i bet even your mother doesn't coddle you to such an extent!

i'm learning how to use vlookup in excel. still far from being my best friend but i'm trying my best. i've even got this excel timesaving techniques open right in front of me but it's not really helping me any. i'll need the excel for dummies. where it starts from the foundations right through the hardcore professional stuff. i'm just not the least bit mathematical nor analytical. but i will persevere.

anyway, this baby is coming out SOON! but soon isn't enough! i will not touch my atm card unless it is absolutely and positively necessary. omg. can't next week hurry up? i need money ohsobadbadbad.

Labels: life, thoughts

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i'm resigned to the fact that if i fail again, it's no biggie. but then the idea of spending so much on lessons and circuits and the test itself, it's what gets to me the most.

apart from selling youself off, what other ways are there to earn a reasonable amount of money? well, that explains why i'm home and not anywhere else. not that being broke is immensely depressing but... you gotta take stock of things. like how someone says that you gotta suffer financially now so that you can enjoy later.

is later when you're six feet under good enough? you'll never really know. in the meantime, i have spent the whole day like an utter sloth - sleeping, watching anime, playing ds andjust resting. i have to say, it feels good. now for my third round of zzzzs.

Labels: life

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the budget girl's way is via online shopping, in bulk. i like presents in the mail, clothes in the mail. i wish i could devote more (or all) of my money to that. i had a really shitty fucked up day. i cried in an alley and in the toilet. i'm horrible because i failed to manage my anger and emotions and keep disappointing myself.

it's raining, suits the mood and everything else. more clothes more clothes MOREMOREMORE! this, is material happiness. that and food and running and slacking and doing nothing the whole day and not showering because you seriously can't be arsed.

i don't like a lot of things and a lot of people. but can't be helped can it? the world doesn't end with me, sadly. also, memory card for the r4 has fucked royally. serves me right. self-destruction much? maybe that's why girls keep long fingernails. everything you say is being screened by the world. from now on, less truthful whining.

Labels: self, thoughts

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i am paid to maintain and look after a community.

i am not paid to run around the island giving out posters and taking pictures of it. nor am i paid to handle about 200plus people coming in and regurgitating the same shit and having to stay so late for stragglers who think i live for them.

but do i actually have the right to say that?

Labels: thoughts, work

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i failed myself.

it was only day 4.

i just wanna go home.

please.

i don't want to hear about how badly i screwed up.
i don't want to hear about how i'm running away from things.
i don't want to hear about how i could make things better.
i don't want to hear about facing up to things.

i don't like she who shares the same name as i do. i'm angry that i'm not included in a process that is eventually meant to be managed by me. but someone said that shit like that happens so i have to suck it in and smile and pretend and deal with it. i really hate this. but i don't have a choice. not yet.

can't wait to get out of this hell. leen told me that the only thing holding me back are the people. well, some. maybe the benefits. but for everything else, i've got nothing to lose.

Labels: work

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things i really don't like.

1. being hungry, having to wait only to realize some asshole prolly took my food and being forced to wait more

very close to throwing it into the bin. but breathing in and realizing surviving on water and crackers for the whole day isn't really the most mature way to go about doing it

2. walk down all the way to an otherwise extremely crowded diner, having what happened in (1) and then left on my own to walk back (yet another excruciatingly fucking long way back in the fucking hot sun)

3. having to wait till 8 again for people come down and make collection

lesson learnt, if it's not within 200m of your office, don't be some stupid lovelorn saint to meet someone for lunch. there are people who work very closeby (read: international plaza) who though at times make you feel like strangling them but nonetheless love you still, who would lunch with you. only if the time is after 1pm and it's at amara/icon. that's pretty much nearer than where i had to eat and suffer (1).

yeah i'm pissed off. but i mask it really well with a smile. gonna practise it a bit more. get rid of the negative vibes behind said smile. then i'll be set to face the rest of the fucked up world.

:D

Labels: life, rant, you

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sneezing. a blocked nose. how do i survive an interview later? my stomach's growling and macdonald's griddles are tempting/teasing/taunting me. more receipts than the last time i handed up to claim. not that it equates to more money. sigh. everything goes back somewhere soon enough. like say... insurance and savings.

so yeah. an hour to go. lemme prep things up and look presentable. do you think i'll have time to swing to macs for lunch? but i'm still craving fish soup. sigh.

Labels: hunger

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forget the shit hitting the ceiling theory.

i'm taking cover. a nice bomb shelter would be amazingly nice. i just hope i'm spared the scars, shrapnel and burns. by gawd i really don't want to get involved.

my wetseal clothes are in the bag. i'm antsy and nervous bout tomorrow. i really hope things go well. mayhaps a glimmer of hope in a new land, a new industry. but we'll just wait and see how things go. gut feeling they won't want me. but who's to say i never tried eh?

how does this sound? dress, pantyhose/leggings, peeptoe heels. i should channel preppy eclectic but i'm nowhere there.

Labels: life, vanity, work

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i think i score pretty well on acting cool when a cute boy waltzes in category. haha. not that there were many. so many weird and random people coming in to collect their stuff. dissension amongst the ranks and i'm craving for some kickass fish soup. i dunno why. i think it's because ♥trex ate it the other day and the smell was tan-ta-li-zing.

slurps.

anyway. the last person has collected the bag and i'm free to go! repeat this for the next 3 days and that ends it off. i can't believe the weeks flew by so fast. my practical is next week!

Labels: work

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confucius say: when shit hit the ceiling, don't forget umbrella.

i'm determined not to mess up and make a fool of myself. again. i'm going to make everything superduperuber zai. i have this week to pull up my socks, set the standard for the weeks to come. now that everything's more or less in a rush, i'm liking things more and more. keep me busy, with the right things.

that's all i ask.

mostly people think me mad but it's a yin with an idle brain that's the worst of all.

also, skinny jeans expanded and hence is not as skinny anymore. i fear gaining in the weight department and ending up like the couple i saw at vivo. thunderously terrifying. not that i'm being mean but it's a sign. i've been slacking off on my runs for far too long. starting tomorrow, if time and everything else is permissible. i'm doing daily runs.

might drag ♥trex along. god knows we're old and huffing and puffing after a short walk at pasir ris and then waking up the following day not being able to move. yes. that bad. speaking of which, we went escape theme park where we go-karted (and i shouted 'fuck' because some asshole kept bumping into me and i would have torn him to shreds but realise i am but powerless), riding things that on a normal sane day i wouldn't because i am terrified of heights (something that spins and goes around, something like the magic carpet and the viking) and a haunted house - where we ended up looking after two kids who were dead scared.

a-yep. have a lot of things to sort out in my head really. i don't like having to face up to things that i've just kept at the back of my mind. still a tad bit emo but i'll live.

Labels: work

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haha.

i sold my soul way before the devil could come and pick it up.

staying in. no will nor desire to hang out with anyone or go anywhere.
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stop running away.
face up to your issues, your problems.
from now on, here comes change.

yes. i'm sick and fed up of everything. i've cried it all out. i've cursed it all out. i'm not gonna be the same ol' me anymore. i promise. things will be different. i will be different. 110% in everything. no more griping. no more whining. no more excuses.

but i still won't change my decision. i will stay for a full year. in that time i will make sure i made what was 'entrusted' to me the most fuckass happening piece of shit ever. even at the expense of my soul. and when i leave, there will be no one else who can fill that role, that gap.

i'll have second doubts and all. from somewhere that i've read and always thought it was cliched - when you're down so f-u-c-k-i-n-g low, there's nowhere else to go but up.

and up i'll go.
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Lately, I've morphed into Saint Bitcheroo. Trust me, you don't really want to know the amount of noise and chaos that goes in my head. This evening will see me letting loose some steam with the babe. Maybe tomorrow we're scooting over to Haji Lane for some... well, something. I'll need to remember to wash my skinnies and shirt and contemplate getting white tank tops.

Sometimes I really hate boys.

Ever get the feeling that you're always somewhat left with scraps? More often that not, people don't appreciate that you set time aside just for them and they don't even work at making themselves seem presentable? Okla. I suppose I'm guilty, perhaps I am. Screw my efforts at being things that I'm not. If I had a choice, I'd go out and meet the world in my running jersey, FBT shorts and Havainas. Because if it was really me, as I am, I wouldn't give a fuck.

Why bother dressing up? Why bother looking pretty? No one gives a shit. Seriously. No one does. And you hate it. I hate it. It makes me feel, unlike myself.

Anyway, screwing that aside. June for my first ever paintball session. Psyched up hell yeah! Orchard Mile Run and Shape Run swinging around those months as well. This weekend is the Adidas Women's Run. Tonight when I drop off at Vivo to take the bus back, I'm renting Mirrormask because I've been wanting it since I was at Borders. I think I'm better at running aggression and angst off than fucking it out.


I need to get away. :P
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