the new site is down, might be cause of the rain. hurhur. it falls heavy and my sentiments go with it. heavy that is. don't understand why this week's been particularly miserable. could be that my period's coming and hence, cue in volatile moodswings and black faces at the end of each work day. i'm sorry i haven't been able to spend much time with you. my fault. could have handled all these better.

it's not that i'm mentally unprepared to handle all these things. i could be trying to justify myself. i just find it utterly ridiculous and selfish that it's almost every (wo)man for him/herself mentality when we're all supposed to be working as a team. more annoyed than bitter. pushing manual labour onto me and asking me really stupid questions when they know i've got a rather pesky fly on my tail and a fair bit of things on my plate. sometimes the teasing goes a lil' too far to the point where it's getting annoying and downright irritating.

could possibly try looking at things from a different perspective. this whole aloof, detached shindig is working better than i thought. is it depressing to find myself yearning to go home just so that i can play with the macbook coupled with endless rounds of solitaire and binging on junk food whilst watching anime? not leaving trex out.

sometimes it's so damn hard to juggle work, family and the relationship. i ought to give more, should be giving more and making more of an effort to make things work. but i'm being pulled in two other directions. i could possibly just tell work to fuck off but family-wise. stuck. stranded. all these silent expectations and hopes and me just failing them time and time again. i argue i want to make a name for myself, to be the daughter that they can truly be proud of. who took an unconventional route, who couldn't give a fuck about what the rest of the extended family had to say and just did my own thing. but i know the things they say about us. about my siblings. about me. i know how they affect my parents. how it makes them feel as if our upbringing was a failure and that they, are failures.

it pains me. who could possibly understand this? trying to make light of things. i don't want answers. i don't need them. i don't need solutions. i just need... to be understood, to be supported and motivated and encouraged. why am i the only one who has to give a fuck when everyone else is just slamming us all down?

i'm not making sense.

i'm just streeeeessssssseeddddd outttt!!! and i want to like. play battlefield 2 and go on a killing rampage and mow people down with a tank and shite like that. so how?

Labels: cranky, stressed, tired, work