57: who needs them anyway
Who needs superheroes? It's not as if they can save everyone. Only those
truly in need will get attention. Why would I need one? I kill cockroaches even though I'm fucking terrified of those creeps. I walk home alone most nights, where banglas and other random construction workers are all
lepaking around with their bottles of cheap beer and playing crappy music. I pay for my bills and (most of) my driving fees. I travel everywhere myself, my brother rarely gives me a ride unless held at butterknife-point by mum.
So really. Why would I need one when I do almost everything by myself? I should just get married to myself. That would make it all better no? Of course it will. /sarcasm
But truly, the one thing that saddens me is that
you think its so easy for me to move on. Well, you did tell me to
fuck off till I know what
you want and what
I want. Honestly, I don't know what I want. Not anymore. And with regards to
you, I don't think it matters anymore. You've taken your leave anyway. Just another status change, maybe block me on Friendster/FaceBook/MSN. Know what? It doesn't matter. I'm not gonna give you orders and turn you into a robot just to satisfy my whims.
But of course, it is easy for you. After all, the possibility of said nightmare happening is high isn't it? I remember what you said:
It might happen. Well, now's a pretty good opportunity no? Say byebye to psycho girls who don't seem to know what they want.
Lesson to be learnt: Don't be such a stupid girl. Stop doing stupid things. Falling in love and love in general is a farce. I don't know why I do all those stupid silly things. After all, I am an insensitive selfish bitch. :)
But I will heed Chris's advice. Stay away from 'old' flames and keep away from 'new' ones. And thanks Warren for coming down to smoke with me. It cheered me up. I'm not crying. Not at all. Because it doesn't do anything and it's stupid anyway.
Hiatus, till I find something more interesting to talk about.
Labels: life, theories, thoughts, you
54: what happened
It feels as if we're incapable of having decent conversations. You have this penchant for swerving offcourse each time I talk about something that's pretty important to me. It makes me wonder if you even know what's going on in my head or what's up on my side of the planet. Makes me feel more detached, distant and misunderstood. Makes me questions all the things you say - how much you love me and all - and if they're true or just excuses to stop me from thinking the possible.
It isn't impossible now is it? I could be led around like a blind fool. My period just came. That could be the main reason for the snipishness and the nightmarish dream I had a couple of nights back. Also, why do I have to plan for so many things?
It's finally sunk in. Being home on a Saturday night. Suddenly asking me to go over when the last bus was but minutes/seconds away. My refusal and your disappointment. Tell me these things in future. Full moon up in the sky fucks up my temperament big time. I need to stop seeing everything with sentimental-tinted glasses and just classify everything as sexsexsex.
Suppose life would be a hell lot more easier to live in that way eh?
Labels: rant, theories, you
52: anything you can do
Suppose it goes both ways, in a sense. There isn't a point for me to be so paranoid and neurotic. What goes one way, can go for another. At the end of the day if it really
does happen then it's for the benefit of both.
I think at the end of the day I've come to realize that alone or with someone it doesn't really matter I suppose. Sometimes I'm entertained by thoughts of being alone, remembering what it's like to be independent. Specially after reading an article about 'dating myself'. Suppose it's been awhile since I've actually been by myself. There's always plans somewhere with someone and there's nothing wrong with doing things by yourself - catching a movie, going shopping, eating at a restaurant and the likes.
Although the bit with social shindigs leave me a bit antsy, I suppose in due time I'll get over it. With a fair amount of games in my R4, I'm ready to take on the world. Or just... sit idly somewhere and be trapped in geeknerd wonderland.
Labels: theories, thoughts
26: anti-poker
Recently a bunch of friends have been hooked on to Texas Hold' Em. For the clueless, read more about it
here. Simply put, it's poker. Gambling. Money on the table and Lady Fate smiling at you (or not) from a deck of cards. They keep bugging me to play it but I resist. Here's why:
I'm not into putting my hard-earned money on the table only to have someone else win it because of a set of cards or to be dealt a shit hand. I don't even understand why people gamble, with the delusion of doubling or tripling the amount that they put into the pool. I'd rather give my money to commercialized establishments (read: shops, fashion boutiques, tech stores) where I'll be happy with my purchase because I get to wear it/play with it/fool around and do things with it. Like my Nintendo DS Lite and my PSP.
So guys, sorry. I won't be joining your late-night poker shindigs for a
long time to come.
Had a fair amount of random encounters in the past few days. When I'm
that bored I'll tell you bout it. In the meantime, gotta devour
How To Talk To Anyone by Leil Lowndes. I confess, I don't know how to make small talk. But the few pages that I've glanced and that I've observed of people (and actually put some to use), have turned out to be very informative and fruitful.
Final note, think it's about time I brought the cans of tuna to work. I'm d-e-a-d
broke. Boo.
Labels: theories, thoughts
14: pain is weakness leaving the body
My Sports Science teacher told us that (the quote above) when we were all groaning and moaning after putting us through the most rigorous workout and physical test. The last time I subjected myself to such physical torture was when we were training for Nationals.
My twisted theory on why runners run almost every other day is because if you don't, you're gonna feel the aches and pains from the runs. Like how I'm feeling right now. But if you continue running, everyday your body is in this continuous process of healing and you don't feel much. Mayhaps a slight twinge and then your body conditions itself to think the aches are normal and hence you're able to push yourself further and further.
Most times we can't help it but people try to make life difficult and it's just terribly annoying and troublesome even though you know that it's done in your best interest. But put a rather stubborn, disgruntled and tired Yin after a long day into the mix and you'll realize it's just chaos and a lot of arguments. Simply put I had a rather nasty argument with my mother because of some things and she's pulling angry guilt trip on me. My fault my fault and I should just give in but sometimes parents really know how to rattle your chain and push your buttons.
Sometime a year ago, today, the publishing house was busy prepping for the Swatch FIVB Women's Beach Volleyball World Tour. Press conferences, trips to Sentosa to see a stadium slowly built to house 5,000 people and the gorgeous and bodilicious beach volleyballers and occasionally their male counterparts swarming the stretch of Silos Beach. I miss those moments, even more because it symbolized a rather interesting though tremulous time in my life. I wish I had caught those moments on my camera. But being in on the action, behind-the-scenes, was awesome enough. I was really fortunate to be working with a neat and decent bunch.
Yeah I miss them.
Friday night and it'll be Blu Jaz Cafe with the UniMates (as ♥Trex enjoys a pricey dinner). I miss that lot even
more.
Labels: memories, theories