*kiss you*

thank you for being all excited-nervous bout my birthday present dear. i'm loving it, even when it's not here yet. :)

Labels: love, you

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things i really don't like.

1. being hungry, having to wait only to realize some asshole prolly took my food and being forced to wait more

very close to throwing it into the bin. but breathing in and realizing surviving on water and crackers for the whole day isn't really the most mature way to go about doing it

2. walk down all the way to an otherwise extremely crowded diner, having what happened in (1) and then left on my own to walk back (yet another excruciatingly fucking long way back in the fucking hot sun)

3. having to wait till 8 again for people come down and make collection

lesson learnt, if it's not within 200m of your office, don't be some stupid lovelorn saint to meet someone for lunch. there are people who work very closeby (read: international plaza) who though at times make you feel like strangling them but nonetheless love you still, who would lunch with you. only if the time is after 1pm and it's at amara/icon. that's pretty much nearer than where i had to eat and suffer (1).

yeah i'm pissed off. but i mask it really well with a smile. gonna practise it a bit more. get rid of the negative vibes behind said smile. then i'll be set to face the rest of the fucked up world.

:D

Labels: life, rant, you

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Bacardi Breezer. Jagerbomb. Beer. Vodka Redbull. Lychee Martini. Something funny with pineapple in it. Tequila shot.

Boo. Alcohol tolerance went down by sooooo much. Damn embarassing. But the night was so random and fun. From going over to FashionBar and landing ourselves in DblO where just as I came down from putting my bag in the holding area, we bumped into Gene! Or rather, ♥Trex saw him and then it's the end of the story.

It isn't weird to go clubbing, just the two of us, after all. Although I did have a dream that we want St. James instead of DblO and there was equal amount of madness there. Now my nose is leaking, I have to rush to get ready for class and attend my nephew's hair-shaving thingy later on. Also, Harold & Kumar: Escape from Guantanamo Bay!

I shoulda brought the camera but in the midst of all that fun, nahhh. Would have been nice to document the night and go over it and laugh over our silly drunken antics.

I said a lot of things about my hidden insecurities that night. I wake up wondering if I felt relieved or if I felt more worried. I try to hide the things that go about in my head and play havoc with my imagination and heart. I suppose at that point, it just came down to how I'm so tired of my own twisted perverse delusions and I just want them to stop. I wanted to know, forever and ever, I won't be left behind or be second-best. That feeling truly sucks.

You've really been a gem and I wonder just how the hell in the world you ended up with me. Maybe that's why it's so hard to believe eh?

Labels: party, thoughts, you

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Who needs superheroes? It's not as if they can save everyone. Only those truly in need will get attention. Why would I need one? I kill cockroaches even though I'm fucking terrified of those creeps. I walk home alone most nights, where banglas and other random construction workers are all lepaking around with their bottles of cheap beer and playing crappy music. I pay for my bills and (most of) my driving fees. I travel everywhere myself, my brother rarely gives me a ride unless held at butterknife-point by mum.

So really. Why would I need one when I do almost everything by myself? I should just get married to myself. That would make it all better no? Of course it will. /sarcasm

But truly, the one thing that saddens me is that you think its so easy for me to move on. Well, you did tell me to fuck off till I know what you want and what I want. Honestly, I don't know what I want. Not anymore. And with regards to you, I don't think it matters anymore. You've taken your leave anyway. Just another status change, maybe block me on Friendster/FaceBook/MSN. Know what? It doesn't matter. I'm not gonna give you orders and turn you into a robot just to satisfy my whims.

But of course, it is easy for you. After all, the possibility of said nightmare happening is high isn't it? I remember what you said: It might happen. Well, now's a pretty good opportunity no? Say byebye to psycho girls who don't seem to know what they want.

Lesson to be learnt: Don't be such a stupid girl. Stop doing stupid things. Falling in love and love in general is a farce. I don't know why I do all those stupid silly things. After all, I am an insensitive selfish bitch. :)

But I will heed Chris's advice. Stay away from 'old' flames and keep away from 'new' ones. And thanks Warren for coming down to smoke with me. It cheered me up. I'm not crying. Not at all. Because it doesn't do anything and it's stupid anyway.

Hiatus, till I find something more interesting to talk about.

Labels: life, theories, thoughts, you

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Met Leen for coffee at Starbucks. Or rather, I had the coffee and she had BK to fill her growling tummy. Mostly to keep her company as she studied, but the pigeons freaked her out and we saw this guy's shirt et attacked by icky slimy birdpoo. Poor fella and stupid birds. Got totally hooked onto Mario & Luigi: Partners in Time! that I didn't even notice her taking a picture of me, utterly engrossed in the game.

Got myself a shirt that I've been hunting for high and low. Shite, it's so expensive and I'll need a pair of jeans that actually compliment me and not make my thunderous elephant thighs look like Bratwurst sausages. My new image/fashion consultant. That girl has awesome dressing sense.

Have also agreed that when (and if) I pass my test May 16, we'll spend the weekends traversing Singapore and visiting the zoo, the science center, botanical gardens, the discovery center and everywhere else. Just the two of us with our weird quirky antics and photowhore moments. Maybe even a picnic by the side of the road or drive off to Sentosa and slack at Del Mar till sunset and watch the ang mohs try and pick other local girls up.

Idyllic no?

Met ♥Trex after at Vivo where I finally had a proper meal and he fixed the PSP which he so smartly 'bricked'. Things are back to normal and even the dodgy analog pad is fixed. There's nothing really nice to watch in the cinemas as of late and I'm dreading having to go into the office tomorrow. Such... dreariness. The long weekend was a blast and I truly enjoyed myself and finally got the chance to relax and everything else. Ho well.

Finished the first chapter and the prologue to Without Remorse (I know I know I need a better catchier name but it's been eluding me), but I sense that it feels a lil' flaky. Espionage, mercenary, assassinations and the like are all interesting. But I'm not quite sure what the plot is, everything's all sketchy and I'm writing as things come into my head. Bad planning (and oh I cancelled tomorrow's acoustic session. wheeee). Even trawling fanfiction.net isn't helping.

Need my muse. Need ideas. Need to head to Borders and pick up one of those books and find some form of inspiration.

I keep getting this feeling that there's something more. Just right there beneath the surface and I need to find the right things to say to scratch it all out. Damn I hate this. Why am I left to regurgitate everything when I have to poke and prod answers without having any form of consolidated spontaneous response?

Labels: life, thoughts, you

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It feels as if we're incapable of having decent conversations. You have this penchant for swerving offcourse each time I talk about something that's pretty important to me. It makes me wonder if you even know what's going on in my head or what's up on my side of the planet. Makes me feel more detached, distant and misunderstood. Makes me questions all the things you say - how much you love me and all - and if they're true or just excuses to stop me from thinking the possible.

It isn't impossible now is it? I could be led around like a blind fool. My period just came. That could be the main reason for the snipishness and the nightmarish dream I had a couple of nights back. Also, why do I have to plan for so many things?

It's finally sunk in. Being home on a Saturday night. Suddenly asking me to go over when the last bus was but minutes/seconds away. My refusal and your disappointment. Tell me these things in future. Full moon up in the sky fucks up my temperament big time. I need to stop seeing everything with sentimental-tinted glasses and just classify everything as sexsexsex.

Suppose life would be a hell lot more easier to live in that way eh?

Labels: rant, theories, you

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You think that as you grow older, you stop playing the games when you're in a relationship. That age had somehow played apart in your maturing mentality. It's just funny that we can be mature about certain things and as for others, we're just still so child-like and naive. Or temperamental and childish even.

I honestly don't know what to say. It appears to me you think that I'm taking this all so easily and in stride. I'm sorry that it seems that working keeps devouring me to the point whereby when you're free, I'm not and vice-versa. You're coming to a crucial point, your exams are but weeks away and I'm doing my best in being understanding and accomodating to ensure that you're not distracted, that you're able to complete your work and revision on time instead of putting things aside just so that you can entertain me.

Why else do you think I want to go back to school? That we could be on par and in some sense, help and motivate each other. Seems everything's backfiring tho.

Thanks for being snappy, snarky and showing me attitude. If I had known that instead of trying to help someone you only serve to get slapped in the face with a zuchinni, then I honestly wouldn't have even bothered.

This goes into the books, in future, fuck helping people you care about. Haha. So true so true so true.

Labels: you

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