i think you get more empathy from strangers than you would from the people you care for. course they only mean well and want the best for you and everything else. but when you already feel like shit, you can always count on them to stick a butter-knife in your back and kick you off a cliff.

thanks, i really needed that.

i rationalize though i don't remember being asked to be slapped back to reality. no wonder i feel so numb and detached. back to work. i've lost the whole point of being here.

Labels: rant, thoughts

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something mentioned today led me to think about this.

i don't really consider myself being one of those controlling girlfriends. yeah i'm possessive and jealous, that's pretty much normal and human. but when you consider controlling, i don't think i quite hit the scale. i pretty much let him do whatever he wants. hell he can have all the fun he wants and not even think of dropping a message or anything and whilst i am the one pissed off etc, it's not as if i tell him you go back home right now or i break up with you.

that's just... psycho. plus he doesn't function that way - you're not a huge fan of being threatened. that much i know very well.

plus... i don't really restrict his freedom - he meets up with whoever he wants (of course, occasionally not telling me of the sudden change of plans and usually i'm the one who's still awake), talks to whoever he wants, goes wherever he wants etc. we can conclude that i neither control nor restrict his desire and choice to do whatever he wants.

ok. so the point is that i'm not controlling, i give space and freedom. one last thing i'd like to add is that i don't really make you feel guilty or kick up a huge fuss (the two most recent occasion is for completely different reasons) or tantrum and ruin/spoil your mood. and i still, very firmly believe, that i sms you more when i'm out with my friends than when you are with yours.

hah!

and don't give me the rational that i meet my friends more etc etc. because i realise you only start behaving in that manner when i'm out with my friends instead of being with you. also, i don't meet my friends that often/much.

hmm.

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i don't like double standards.

like it's perfectly fine for someone to do something and i'm even expected to understand and not be sore or annoyed by it. if i am, it's my fault and stuff like that and then the mighty trout of reasoning slaps me in the face and i have no right to feel and react that way.

but it's always different when it's the other person. i do something and i'm being guilt-tripped into feeling as if i shouldn't be doing it and i'm selfish in a sense that i never even considered the other person's feelings or if they wanted to be part of whatever nonsensical festivities.

so it's just really frustrating. i don't like it that i have to be the one who's understanding and more often than not, give in and be forced to swallow my feelings (no matter how rational or irrational they are) and pretend that everything is ok. that's just not fair.

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found another obsession besides hell's kitchen. say hello to 30rock! yes i know i'm just a tad bit slow but you see, i rarely ever watch tv. or to put it more blatant, i don't watch tv. not that i don't have the time, i kinda prefer being online as opposed to mooching on the couch. you'd think it was bad enough that i already spend so much time online at work that i'm suckered in at home but no. ok. well yes. it's a habit that i'll need to break. i tried, with the whole del mar experience but that was another depressing episode and hence, i'll just stick to watching random shows on online streaming sites.

:)

it kills time. really. and i don't have to bother bout advertisements and other random nonsense that would otherwise spoil the whole experience. contemplating videologging but i look bad enough in pictures that i should spare everyone else the agony of looking at my really ugly mug.

in 3 days it'll be 15 days left to my birthday. i know the boyfriend has given up on trying to figure out what i want and hence has resorted to just getting a one night stay at a nice hotel and mooching there. guys don't really have that much originality. can't blame them. i don't suppose i'll actually take a day off from work because when you think about it, there isn't much that i can do. most people are busy or they forget that they have plans and make secondary plans and yadayadayada.

but since it's wednesday, i think i can afford to do a little partying on my own and grab random people to go mambo with me or something. hopefully. getting semi-pissed drunk sounds good as well. but not always advisable since we all have to trudge into work the following day anyway. so we see how la.

i think i missed out on the macbook promotion that singnet was offering. ho well. missed opportunities, again, just like the shop that i usually go to thread my eyebrows is closed on the weekends. which i clearly remember them not being closed but hey, it's ok. let's take it all in stride. so with random snacks found in the cupboard and episode 4 of 30rock completely uploaded, i bid ya'all a happy exciting weekend.

i'm determined to turn into a disgusting sloth. occasional running. should i go for paintball tomorrow? and my god, i didn't realise how quickly my account balance has fallen back to a 1. this is depressing. gyargh.

Labels: bored, life, rant, weekend

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crikey.

you don't know how dangerous multiply can be sometimes. next thing you know, your family members know things about you that they shouldn't. i think i'll use it more to put up reviews and photos than anything else. there's still a sorta secrecy blogging here.

life's been pretty dead as of late. my weekends got screwed over because of misunderstandings and indecisiveness. a lot of sleep lost, a lot of undue and unnecessary internal frustration and exasperation. moral of the story? just don't give a fcuk and let whoever it is just do whatever the hell they want. it really spares you the agony and all that time that would have otherwise been spent wasted lamenting over it, can be put to good use.

like cleaning up my very messy room. which reminds me that i ought to scoot home after work and just sort out the mess that's on my desk.

speaking of work, since the maintainence crew came by and cleared the air-conditioning units of dirt and stuff; the place has been freezing cold la. it sucks to be directly underneath this particular unit. with the swing it blows cold air into my already freezing cubicle and being bundled up like a jawa in the desert (starwars), is not fun. things have been just a tad bit slow on my end and making me feel as if my productivity has just been hit by an all time low.

although i guess the upside is that i'm learning a lot about online social media networks, web 2.0 and all the fancy shmancy stuff which is pretty much valuable to what i do. the sudden information overload kinda overwhelms you initially. but now thanks to the friends i've made on plurk, mister unique-frequency (most importantly) and wiki (oh that i love thee, just a lil' bit more than the boyfriend), i've been given a host of new and interesting things to read, understan and explore! there is life after facebook! i kid.

come tomorrow, it'll be 20 days till i turn 23. boyfriend's mildly panicking since i already gave him his birthday present (and his birthday isn't till july) - another guitar hero console for the wii! oh yeah and speaking of guitar hero, we played it till super late last night. which resulted in me getting in the office real late and hearing reptilia in my head from the moment i wake up right till... now.

please don't hold me back
if we're going tooooo fasttttttt
we're in a strange
part
of
town

i had a weird dream that involved me spending almost a hundred aussie dollars buying my favourite chocolates (which can only be found in zurich, ironically) and then struggling to get home to singapore by foot.

Labels: dream, life, rant, work

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yesterday i learnt a couple of things.

1. chinatown does not stock clothes like those found in f21
2. their clothes are tackier and a lot more pricier.

like seriously 49bucks for something so... shit. who the hell would wear such things? what happened to decent bargain clothes? i'm beginning to think the only place that has it, is this fashion. don't underestimate what they bring in because sometimes you get really rare, interesting, unique and non-tacky pieces.

suffice to say, was pretty disappointed with a lot of things last night. so much that i reached home 15 minutes to 9, watched a LOT of tv and then just promptly went to bed. might do the same thing tonight. no 'joyriding'. may have dropped by bugis but i made plans to head home with someone. also, i need a moisturizing cream for use in the office because the cold dries my skin. off to lunch (bout time too) since the queen bitch (whom i still love plenty) plans on bringing me to a new peck seah. woulda gone to bugis but immy's out with his brother and hence just the two of us ain't that fun.

ciao.

Labels: life, rant

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things i really don't like.

1. being hungry, having to wait only to realize some asshole prolly took my food and being forced to wait more

very close to throwing it into the bin. but breathing in and realizing surviving on water and crackers for the whole day isn't really the most mature way to go about doing it

2. walk down all the way to an otherwise extremely crowded diner, having what happened in (1) and then left on my own to walk back (yet another excruciatingly fucking long way back in the fucking hot sun)

3. having to wait till 8 again for people come down and make collection

lesson learnt, if it's not within 200m of your office, don't be some stupid lovelorn saint to meet someone for lunch. there are people who work very closeby (read: international plaza) who though at times make you feel like strangling them but nonetheless love you still, who would lunch with you. only if the time is after 1pm and it's at amara/icon. that's pretty much nearer than where i had to eat and suffer (1).

yeah i'm pissed off. but i mask it really well with a smile. gonna practise it a bit more. get rid of the negative vibes behind said smile. then i'll be set to face the rest of the fucked up world.

:D

Labels: life, rant, you

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Kept waking up. Tossing and turning. Now I'm just gonna sit here, look through the presentation, tweak the fucking speech and pray for sleep. Else, emulating a zombie looks good. I've just about started hating the weekend and it's stupidity and the lies of breaks and having fun.

I should have taken up that offer on a drink. Now 7-11's all closed and I have to wait till tonight for 'happy' time. My period's over (well, just about), so why do I still feel so miserable and angsty?

Labels: life, moody, rant, thoughts

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Not smoked since lunch. Craving for that nicotine hit. Soon soon. What with driving at 7:15 tonight and seeing ♥Trex; (hopefullyperhaps) later.

Boredom is truly, an understatement. Surfing FaceBook, Friendster and blogs and realizing how I let dull trivialities eat my life. There's that possible ray of light - events management - though I'm not too sure bout the perks and benefit. This is as stable as everything gets.

How did I exactly strain my back while running? Sigh. Every inch is aching. About 10 to 15 minutes till work ends, free to make my way through the packed underground (like sardines!) towards Gombak. Gah. I just can't wait to get my practical over and done with so I won't waste evenings and weekend mornings going through routine.

Mental note to self: Don't forget how to parallel and vertical park.

Also, I butchered my fringe and hence look like a complete idiot. Nothing on this planet will save me. I hate my face. So much for losing weight. Grr. Plus got no rubberband to save me. Stupid bitch, why did she have to do what she did with the right side of my fringe?! &@^#

Labels: bored, rant

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This is lunch. Alone, away from people, finishing my smokes with coffee and maybe scratching my arms deep enough that they'll bleed. I'm a masochist, I like pain. Leave me alone. It's better than being treated the way I am anyhow.

Labels: rant

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It feels as if we're incapable of having decent conversations. You have this penchant for swerving offcourse each time I talk about something that's pretty important to me. It makes me wonder if you even know what's going on in my head or what's up on my side of the planet. Makes me feel more detached, distant and misunderstood. Makes me questions all the things you say - how much you love me and all - and if they're true or just excuses to stop me from thinking the possible.

It isn't impossible now is it? I could be led around like a blind fool. My period just came. That could be the main reason for the snipishness and the nightmarish dream I had a couple of nights back. Also, why do I have to plan for so many things?

It's finally sunk in. Being home on a Saturday night. Suddenly asking me to go over when the last bus was but minutes/seconds away. My refusal and your disappointment. Tell me these things in future. Full moon up in the sky fucks up my temperament big time. I need to stop seeing everything with sentimental-tinted glasses and just classify everything as sexsexsex.

Suppose life would be a hell lot more easier to live in that way eh?

Labels: rant, theories, you

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I guess I don't get it or maybe I got off lucky. The muggers these days terrify me with the stress that they're putting up with. Is it their own? Is it from the parents or the schools? Perhaps it was a good thing to have finished everything off early. I don't know if I would have been able to handle it any better, should I still be in school. But one thing most definite, is to find a new job and to get something that pays off better.

So I'm home early on a Saturday night. Even the security guard asked me how come I wasn't out enjoying myself. I don't know. There isn't anything much to do anymore. I need to wait till I get my license then least, I have long car rides and Sara Bareilles to keep me company.

There won't be anywhere that'll be barred to me. It's just the wheels, the wind and me.

Labels: life, rant

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I'm most likely to have:

1. Every FaceBook application (seriously, wtf, I got rid of almost everything)
2. Need therapy (I'd like to know who voted this)

In anycase, got rid of it since it's yet another useless application that I could do without. I'm pretty much tired, wondering why people can just toss excuses my way and expect me to make so much effort when it's pretty clear that they're just lazy. I'm flattered you think I've brilliant organizational skills but I have a life and there are other things on my list that have more priority than you. So please, stop demanding and thinking I owe you when I don't.

When in actual fact, you owe me.

It's Wednesday. This means tomorrow I'm on leave all the way till next week. No silly e-mails from people who can't read English. No phonecalls from semi-stalkerish photographers. No need to rush this and that. No need to be all flustered to figure out what to wear. Thank god.

I can finally chillax.

Labels: life, rant, thoughts

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Too many things to bitch/whine/rant about.

It's about to turn 2 in the morning and I better get some sleep else I turn into the living dead. Yeah zombie, I loike! So many things to do so little time so little money and the damned charger does not work. If anyone wants to buy it off, please feel free to do so. The specifics are all here. I sell cheapcheap! Or if the store will take it off my hands since it's brand new and I didn't even bother taking off the damned wrapper!

I hereby name my Lumix - Dynames. In memory, honour and tribute of Lockon 'Neil Dylandy' Stratos. Funny how I used to be a camwhore so much and now I'm too embarassed to even put a decent enough picture of my face. There's always FaceBook!

Labels: rant

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