Would you consider this a vicious cycle?

It's my fault really. Has to be. Even if I'm depressed by it, hurt by it, there's no one that can be blamed but myself.

I make sudden plans, like on the day or night itself. Even though he's out with his friends somehow I still end up coming along, possibly ruining his fun. Making him take care of me when I'm drunk. Making him entertain me when he has a lot of things to do. Making him wait for me after work and wait for me to come down to have breakfast or wake up to have breakfast or meet up wherever it is that we had planned.

I guess that's the end of it la. He did say that once he gets fed-up or tired he won't call or contact or anything. I've already done enough damage.

Only thing I can do now is just to stay away.
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I guess.

I like how I get brushed aside. For MahJong. You know. It's like all those things that we ever spoke before. About being special and you making it up to me. Like you know, those things actually mattered.

I like the way how I'm so easily forgotten. And the things you promise me too. Like poof. Out of sight and hence out of mind.

I like how you tell me you're selfish and vow to change and the next thing decide that I'm being all so pleasant and stuff. Of course, it's so easy to make it up to me. So easy to take advantage of my good nature and the fact that I forgive you so easily. Each and every time.

So I suppose you'll like the way how I'll tell you this. That it's over and there's no need to plan happily ever after. There won't be any. Not between you and me.

Single, there's no expectation from anyone. No need to make anyone happy or feel special or more loved. You ask why I don't seem to love you more. I sit here, deciding it's really pointless to try and make things work, to ask myself if it's worth it to cry. I guess I'm finally done. I don't want to have anything to do with you. Not anymore.
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why does it feel as if everything's just going down the drain again? it's so tiring to try and be the one who wants to work things out. to want to make things better. to make it work. it's depressing when i'm met with non-commitment. it hurts. really. what am i doing wrong? am i being too demanding? am i asking too much?
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the new site is down, might be cause of the rain. hurhur. it falls heavy and my sentiments go with it. heavy that is. don't understand why this week's been particularly miserable. could be that my period's coming and hence, cue in volatile moodswings and black faces at the end of each work day. i'm sorry i haven't been able to spend much time with you. my fault. could have handled all these better.

it's not that i'm mentally unprepared to handle all these things. i could be trying to justify myself. i just find it utterly ridiculous and selfish that it's almost every (wo)man for him/herself mentality when we're all supposed to be working as a team. more annoyed than bitter. pushing manual labour onto me and asking me really stupid questions when they know i've got a rather pesky fly on my tail and a fair bit of things on my plate. sometimes the teasing goes a lil' too far to the point where it's getting annoying and downright irritating.

could possibly try looking at things from a different perspective. this whole aloof, detached shindig is working better than i thought. is it depressing to find myself yearning to go home just so that i can play with the macbook coupled with endless rounds of solitaire and binging on junk food whilst watching anime? not leaving trex out.

sometimes it's so damn hard to juggle work, family and the relationship. i ought to give more, should be giving more and making more of an effort to make things work. but i'm being pulled in two other directions. i could possibly just tell work to fuck off but family-wise. stuck. stranded. all these silent expectations and hopes and me just failing them time and time again. i argue i want to make a name for myself, to be the daughter that they can truly be proud of. who took an unconventional route, who couldn't give a fuck about what the rest of the extended family had to say and just did my own thing. but i know the things they say about us. about my siblings. about me. i know how they affect my parents. how it makes them feel as if our upbringing was a failure and that they, are failures.

it pains me. who could possibly understand this? trying to make light of things. i don't want answers. i don't need them. i don't need solutions. i just need... to be understood, to be supported and motivated and encouraged. why am i the only one who has to give a fuck when everyone else is just slamming us all down?

i'm not making sense.

i'm just streeeeessssssseeddddd outttt!!! and i want to like. play battlefield 2 and go on a killing rampage and mow people down with a tank and shite like that. so how?

Labels: cranky, stressed, tired, work

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i think you get more empathy from strangers than you would from the people you care for. course they only mean well and want the best for you and everything else. but when you already feel like shit, you can always count on them to stick a butter-knife in your back and kick you off a cliff.

thanks, i really needed that.

i rationalize though i don't remember being asked to be slapped back to reality. no wonder i feel so numb and detached. back to work. i've lost the whole point of being here.

Labels: rant, thoughts

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